A Questionable Vacation

For the past several months the only thing I could think about is going home to Ohio for Thanksgiving. This trip is what helped me get through the past several months of frustration at work, but now I do not know how I feel.

It is not that the trip has been bad but more disappointing in a way. We arrived several hours later then planned because we arrived late to the shelter to drop off the dogs. After finally making all of the arrangements to drop them off in the morning Brent and I had to purchase new plane tickets. The total cost of plane tickets for this trip - $2,000. We landed at Port Columbus around 9:30 PM, 5 hours later then originally planned. We got to the hotel where mom met us and helped us get checked in a settled.

On Sunday morning Brent, mom, and I went to church in Delaware. It was a nice change compared to Pinon and Utah, kind of an in between the two. The speakers were wonderful and very uplifting. Brent and my mom headed out for a day on the town where the two of them went to the movies, did a little shopping, and just spent some time together. I went and picked up Emma where we headed to Tau Delta for activation. This is my last time going up to Otterbein and to the TD house. Unlike some people in my life, I am really good about separating ties when I feel no need to have certain people or things in my life. With the rest of my pledge class graduating at the end of the year I see no need to return anymore.

Monday was very hectic. Brent, Emma, and I went to campus where we met up with some old friends and teachers. Afterward we headed down to Stantons sheet music to make a list of music. I was slightly overwhelmed and ended up not getting anything accomplished I needed to. Brent purchased a beautiful snow globe for me of a music note and a flute, I love it. It also plays the theme from Mozart's 'The Magic Flute.' We then went to lunch and took Emma home. Monday night was also my baby shower. We headed over to Grandma Miller's house to pick her up and chill until we had to head down. The first words out of my grandmother's mouth were 'You don't look pregnant, just fat.' Thanks grandma. We then headed down to the baby shower in Mt. Sterling. I dropped Brent with dad and Nick for the night. The party was really fun. Xander officially has more clothes than I ever will in my life. At the party everyone started asking how many kids Brent and I want to have. Realistically, we have talked about four and then waiting to see what happens. Grandma laughed. Later in the car that evening I asked grandma about her comment. She said I was too type A to have children. She believes that my stress and anxiety are too high to be a good mother and that I should reconsider having kids. For the first time through this whole pregnancy I actually believed her. Of course I'm nervous, of course I'm scared, but I actually do not know if I can be a mom. Maybe my stress and anxiety are too high. Maybe I don't know what I'm doing. But lets just say that my depression is back.

Tuesday was the fun day. Brent and I slept in for awhile. We then went to lunch with grandma downtown in German Village. Brent has never had REAL German food. He really enjoyed it. That evening we went bowling with the entire family. After bowling Brent and I went dancing downtown at the Hillel, the Jewish Community Center at OSU. Brent was so brave and danced every single dance. I spent most of the time talking to Neev, a life long friend since middle school. He and I are really close and I am grateful to have a friend like him in my life.

Before we knew it was Wednesday. Brent and I slept in and went to look at some of the sites around town. We went to Delaware and looked at several of the historical markers, after wards we headed to Columbus to see the temple, then to Dublin to see the frog and the field of corn. We then met up with Mom and work to see some of her close friends. Brent and I then headed down to Once Upon A Child were spent more money on Xander, but I bought my stroller for $40. Brent bought me beautiful flowers which made me cry. We then turned in the car and were at the beckon call of ever other driver in town. We met up with Grandma and Grandpa at Bob Evans for a small snack and then headed up to the hotel. The entire family met up for dinner last night where Brent and I treated. It was a nice time, and honestly, it put some things in perspective.

Today is Thanksgiving Day. One year ago I lost my grandfather to cancer, I met my future family, and was baptized into the LDS Church by my soon to be husband. So much has changed, except for my feelings about my family. I love my family and always will but with everyone back together again I still feel like an outcast. I am the crazy child who moved away to Arizona, who met a man and fell in love, got married, and got pregnant, I'm the crazy one who converted religions, and I still feel looked down upon. My family still picks on me and I have realized that I either take it and then feel horrible about myself or I pick back because I do not want to listen to it anymore. There is no making anyone happy in this family, I have honestly given up. I realized I moved away from Ohio because I hated feeling like this. I love and miss my Grandma and Grandpa Segers, my mom more than words can describe, and my dad some days of the month, but for the most part I have no desire to visit Ohio anymore. Maybe I can convince Brent to spend next Christmas in Florida or Hawaii with mom.

I think part of the other reason I feel this way is because we have spent so much time with Brent's family over the holidays that I do not know how I feel around my own family anymore. I have spent every major holiday with his family during the past several year. Brent has not really changed on this trip, but is not my energetic husband. I have spent more time this trip making sure he is ok then having fun. I just want to make sure that he is happy and I do not know how he is, I feel like my husband has stopped talking to me, and it just makes me feel like I am losing him again. I know Brent loves me but sometimes I just want him to talk to me instead of just shutting down, it makes me scared and unsettled.

One Year Later

MILLER George W. Miller III, MSgt USAF, Retired, Columbus, OH, passed away on Thursday, November 18, 2010 from cancer. Born July 22, 1942, in Jacksonville, FL. He is survived by his wife of 46 years, Louann Hoyt Miller; son, George W. (Donna) Miller IV, Mt. Sterling, OH; daughter, Nicole (Timothy) Montoney, Columbus; and the joys of his life, grandchildren, Pamela Miller of Pinon, AZ and Malcolm Montoney of Columbus. Also surviving are sisters, Barbara (Tony) Kurtz, Lake City, FL, Nancy (Burton) Pierce and Martha (Rob) Trice of Jacksonville, FL, and Bonnie (Tony) Graupp of Hendersonville, NC; in-laws, Dennis (Carol) Hoyt and Joanne Hoyt, Columbus Grove, Richard (Marie) Hoyt and Shirley (Alvin) Duling, Ottawa, OH, John (Virginia) Hoyt, Renick, WV, Geraldine Lauer, Van Buren, OH, Charles (Laura) Hoyt, Ruskin, FL, Janet (Bob) Westerman, IN, and Patricia (Dennis) Pollock, Middle Point, OH; many nieces and nephews; Pamela's mother, Jane Miller of Dublin OH; and exchange students, Gunda Werner-Burggraf of Germany and Alex Guzman of Japan. Predeceased by parents George and Martha Miller, in-laws Charles and Dorothea Hoyt, and several family members including goddaughter Stephanie Pollock. George was active with church and community organizations. He was particularly proud of his service with the HOPE Council in San Vito dei Normanni, Italy. His most notable hobby was collecting Elvis albums. He entered the AF in 1960 as a non-Morse intercept operator in AF Security Services. He met his sweetheart at a dance at Lockbourne AFB OH in 1963 and subjected her to 13 moves that included 9 years in San Vito, Italy (as he always said, "someone had to drink the wine and eat the cheese"), before retiring from Strategic Air Command as a Manpower Management Superintendent in 1981, having served 21 years, 3 months, 14 days, 8 hours and 45 minutes (and enjoying every minute). During his AF career, he received numerous commendations including the AF Good Conduct Medal, National Defense Service Medal, AF Commendation Medal with 3 Oak Leaf Clusters, and Joint Service Commendation Medal for his work as an intelligence collection manager with the NSA. He began his second career in 1981 when he joined Butler Animal Health Supply, Dublin OH, and retired in 2009 as Manager of Regulatory Affairs. Again, he was rewarded with many managerial awards during his tenure. George was nationally recognized in the veterinary industry as the expert on controlled substance and food and drug regulations and presented more than 300 seminars nationwide

Almost Home

In two short days I will be home in Ohio for the first time since February. So much has changed since then and I cannot wait to spend that time with my friends and family.

Brent and me have a full schedule in Ohio. We arrive on Saturday afternoon and are planning on spending the evening relaxing with family. I might make a quick stop up at the sorority house to see how "Hell Night" is going. On Sunday we are going to church and then breakfast with my mom. The remainder of Saturday will be spent with the sorority for activation and dinner. On Monday Brent, Emma, and I are going to meet up at Otterbein to see some people and hang-out for a little while. Afterward we are going to head downtown to go to Stantons Sheet Music to buy a bunch of stuff (on our district of course). That evening Brent is going to chill with my mom at home while I go to a baby shower by my step-mom. Tuesday we are going to my favorite restaurant in the city, Schmidt's, with Grandma Miller. That evening we are going to the zoo lights with the rest of the family. Wednesday is a relaxing day. My other grandparents will be arriving into town that night for Thanksgiving. Thursday, TURKEY TURKEY, will be spent with my mom and family. I am so excited for Brent to meet my cousin Rayne. I haven't seen Rayne in a few years so this will be a family reunion to remember. Friday we are spending with my dad's family. And then on Saturday we are coming back to Arizona. What a week!

I wish I Could Smile Without Crying

The past few months have been mentally, emotionally, and physically draining.

My hormones have begun to take a personal effect on my life and I feel like they are driving Brent away from me. Some days I feel like I have to get up telling myself that no matter what he will love me and that nothing I will do will make him leave. But I think that is what I am afraid of, I am afraid of Brent leaving. Growing up my parents fought a lot and after every fight my father would just leave, no talking, no resolution, nothing, and know that know that I am married this is what I am afraid of. Brent and me always talk things through and I believe that this is what makes our marriage strong, but it will never get rid of that psychological fear. I know that I take a lot of things out on Brent that aren't even his fault because I feel comfortable just venting, but I know that it frustrates him and it makes things worse.

Lately I have been feeling like a horrible wife. Yeah I cook, clean, do laundry, and I am carrying his child, but I feel like he does all of these wonderful things for me and I just turn around and give him a good swift kick before even realizing what I have said to him. We just celebrated our one year anniversary and tomorrow is our one year engagement aniversary. He tells me all of the reasons why he loves me and why he asked me to marry him, but sometimes I want to ask him if he ever regrets it. Sometimes I feel like Brent deserves more, more than what I can give him. Brent has made my life so wonderful and it breaks my heart to think like that, but I feel like I am living in the footsteps of my parents and I feel like I can never make him or anyone happy without screwing up.

I feel like I have all of this anger built up inside of me and nothing I do can get it to go away. I just want to actually be and feel happy all the time for a change. I am hoping that getting away on my graduate conference for a week will help because I will be away from Pinon. I need a break. I am going to miss Brent terribly though because I want him by my side. I want to take a vacation with just my husband, no family and no pets, just the two of us somewhere peaceful. I miss just the two of us spending quality time together because we wanted to, not because I am forcing him to.

I guess another thing is I am very proud of my husband and I do not show it enough. He made the decision to take on the M.S. and H.S. wrestling coaching position and I am very proud of him for taking that initiative. He has also made a great deal of accommodations with the athletic director and assistant coach in order to leave at any moment to be with me and the baby. But I keep harassing him about the job and I just need to support my husband. He is always there for me holding my hand and telling me how proud of me he is, so why can't I do that for him? In addition, he has been working so hard with his classes this year to make sure that he does not end up in the same position as he was last year and I do not know if I have told him that he is doing a great job. All I ever do is make him feel worse about staying at school and working late when instead I should be supporting him for his hard work.

Marriage is really a second job. You have to learn how to communicate, collaborate, work together through difficult situations, and have a loving relationship even when you want to kill the other person at times. Brent is my soul mate and I want to be sealed to him for eternity. I need to find a way to be happy again and show him that I support him, even if it means going to every single wrestling match in the dead of winter, helping him grade papers, or cooking dinner for him at 10 PM at night when he comes home from work.

I love you Brent and I hope you know that, and all I can keep saying is that I am sorry for causing you so much pain.

All Things Stress Related - Pinon

There is officially one week left of the school year. The seniors are gone and all that is left are the freshman through juniors. The students are so ready to be done with school. Most of their friends have already gotten out of school or have graduated. The teachers are ready to be done. This last quarter has managed to kick us all in the behinds. With two teachers on permanent medical leave, the entire English department leaving, and the rest of us not giving a crap the schools setting is gone completing.

In addition to the school pretty much being a crazy mess, we had to cancel our last concert. I was frustrated by it and the students were upset but now I am just angry. The principal walked up to me today and told me that I had no right to make a call about my personal program and said I should have consulted with him first. I bit my tongue and only responded with whatever. They claim to support me and the department but all they do is belittle me. Unless things change with Slade as the new principal I have already made the decision that I will not be returning for a third year.

Being married to Brent is the happiest thing in my life. He treats me like his princess and I know that he will be there to take care of me and put up with my craziness for the rest of my life. I love the man dearly and I am excited that today is our one month anniversary.

The Life of a Married Woman

On Wednesday April 20th, Brent and I arrived in Springfield, IL. After landing at the smallest airport I have ever seen, Brent and I drove about 2 1/2 hours to the small town of Dallas City, IL. As we drove up to the plantation house I felt butterflies fill my stomach, I had finally arrived and I knew the next several days would be the most exciting of my life.

One by one, our families and friends arrived over the next several days. Brent stayed with his family in Nauvoo and I stayed with my family and friends at the venue. My bridesmaids took me out for an incredible party at the local casino. They helped my mom decorate and prepare for the wedding.

On Saturday I woke up really early to start getting ready and hang out with my bridesmaids. The housekeeper, Patty, made my favorite breakfast for my wedding day. As my family and I sat down, I knew that this would be the last time I would be eating a meal as a single woman.

As the morning progressed, there was one moment where my heart began beating and my stomach filled with butterflies. I looked outside and watched Brent slowly walk up to the house. As I looked out of the window on the second floor I lost my breathe and laid my eyes upon the man that has filled the past 6 months of my life with joy.

The time came for me to marry. We chose to have me walk down the stairs for effect. One by one the bridesmaids processed down the aisle. It was my turn next. As I walked down the stairs I could not see Brent, that was the point. I took my fathers arm and walked down the aisle. At the end of the aisle stood the most handsome man I had ever seen. His eyes were filled with tears and he had a smile on his face that lit up the room. My bridesmaids later admitted to me that they all looked at Brent and started crying. They had never seen a man so over whelmed with love and joy in his eyes.

During the reception, we ate a wonderful picnic, hung out with friends and family, and listened to two incredible toasts. Sean, Brent's brother, gave a great toast about their relationship and he wished us luck in our lives together. Emma, my maid of honor, gave an incredible toast. Emma had always been one of my closest sisters, but I never realized how close until she toasted. Emma doesn't cry, but she lost it after the toast. Emma is my blood sister, she is the sister that I have always wanted and know I have.

April 23rd was the best day of my life, and this time next year, I will be sealed in the temple for eternity to my husband.

The Forecast for April 2011

As I have been preparing my calendar for the month of April I feel like I can compare all of the events going on to some kind of forecast. Lets see if this makes sense...

"Well, the month of April is going to be quiet the combination. We will see sun, rain, severe winds, and even some cloudy skies. Lets take a look at the predictions..."

Cloudy Skies: For the past several months my students have been preparing for their second concert entitled 'Around The World.' For the most part I feel that they are ready, but the wanting/needing spring break cloud is looming over their heads. They have been tested to death over the past several months and they are beginning to become difficult to handle. They have six actual rehearsal days remaining before the concert. If they focus and actually make the effort I know that they will be able to push aside their cloudy moods and perform a great concert. But if they keep their attitudes, it is going to be a mediocre concert which no one will be proud of. 

Severe Winds: Until April 20th there is so much going on and so much to be done. Between three days of in school testing this week, 6 actual rehearsal days left until the concert, 15 days left to pack for the wedding/honeymoon, 16 days lefts before Brent and I leaver for the wedding, 20 days until the wedding, 21 days until the honeymoon, church responsibilities, financial obligations, and everything else going I feel like there are severe winds whipping my life around. I am trying my best to keep my feet planted and focus on one day at a time, but it is getting to be A LOT! Lately, I have stressed to Brent that he really needs to step up and help me around the house more. He has been and today the winds died down when he helped make breakfast, dinner, helped with the dishes, and helped complete some other small tasks. Working together to get things done will take some time and I know that with patience that the winds will die down and I can stop sweating the small things. 

Sun: I am getting married in 20 days, almost 19. I am beyond excited. One year ago I never would have imagined myself preparing to get married. Brent has been such an inspiration for me and has really been encouraging for me to reach out and grab life by the horns. Today we talked about me becoming Dr. Maynard. I want to have my doctoral completed by the age of 30. Brent thinks that this is something I should do and is really pushing for me to take the next step. But right now the only step on my mind is becoming Mrs. Pamela Maynard. 

Rain: This is not so much rain, but it does deal with water. Just like my students I am beyond ready for spring break. I will be getting married and then spending one wonderful week with my hubby on the beaches of Cancun, Mexico. I am so excited to go snorkeling, visit the ruins, and lay out on the beach. Not only am I using this to celebrate our wedding, but as kind of a reward for a job well done as my first year as a teacher. I have a job for the next school year and a position on the district committee. I am grateful to have a job during this time and thank god for bestowing this blessing upon my life. 

Well, that is my April weather forecast. More weather to come. Stay tuned!

The Month of March - Faith

March has been no walk in the park. It started at the beginning of the month. From March 1st through the 4th I was constantly in and out of the hospital and doctors office. After taking a trip to Flagstaff, where I tried to sneak out of Pinon without Brent finding out, I was diagnosed with strep throat and a severe case of tonsillitis. The following week I returned to work and made it through the week successfully. By the time the weekend came around my body was giving up on me again and the stresses of life were starting to wear me down. I broke out in a severe case of hives and was unable to go to work again. A friend of ours came over and gave me a dose of medication to get rid of them. I returned to work on Wednesday. Then the weekend came around again and my tonsils started to swell again leaving me feeling like crap. I took another day off of work to get healthy. All I had to do was make it to Friday, my follow up appointment, and I did. The doctor looked at my tonsils and told me that they are as healthy as they are ever going to get again, they are functioning at a 75% level and NEED to come out. With the wedding a little less than a month away, then one month of school after that, and the summer almost completely booked I was limited on when I could schedule the surgery. I chose June 9th, right after we come back from Utah, with a follow up appointment on June 16th, my 23rd birthday. My mom has decided to come out to keep me company, take care of me, and help me out. But the month of March  does not end there...

On Tuesday the schools secretary brought in several leave slips for me to sign. I thought I had already signed them all and was set, but apparently I missed a few. She asked if they had taken out the large amount yet out of my paycheck and I responded with 'no'. I asked her what she was referring to and she did not give me any specifics. I knew that I had used all of my time up from being sick, but I had not been notified of any withdraws coming out of my paycheck. I contacted someone working in payroll and they told me that on the first paycheck in April they would be withdrawing $900 in leave without pay for being ill. Needless to say, I freaked out. The idea of only having two more paychecks before the wedding and loosing one whole paycheck sent me through the largest panic attack I have ever had. After school I cried, that was all I felt like I could do. During young women's, President Huxhold told me to talk to Doug in payroll, he would be able to give me more solid answers and possible help me come up with a solution. I sent him an email on Tuesday night and got a phone call Wednesday morning. He looked at my situation and told me the things that he could not do and he understood completely that I was in a state of terror. He found an anonymous donor who was willing to give me 40 hours of leave time, the exact amount that was going to be withdrawn from my upcoming paycheck. I was relieved and finally felt like I could breathe. Soon after, my mom called me to tell me that she had $300 for me, and so did my step-mom. For the first time in a month I feel like everything is going to be ok.

The point of this post though is because I feel like God has been teaching me a lesson this month about Faith. Every time something started going wrong I found myself silently saying a prayer or reading my scriptures more diligently in search of an answer. At one point this month, I found myself filled with the spirit as I was able to enter into the temple for the first time to do baptisms for the dead. I am learning that my faith is stronger than what I allow to show. A friend of mine has made me question my ability to learn and study because of her comments during church. Brent, being male, tried to help with the situation but only made it worse. He soon rephrased what he said into what he meant to say. I know though that God is there for me and if I just take a deep breathe, bow my head, and pray that he will give me the answer and guidance that I am looking for. Brent keeps telling me that everything will work out, and although I hear those words I question if they are true sometimes. Then things like someone willing to give up 40 hours of their personal leave to help someone in need happens and you know it is true. God has taught me a lesson about Faith and in the upcoming weeks I know that I will be a stronger person as I prepare for the next step of my life. In 24 days I will marry the man who has stolen my heart and has become my true soulmate. I love Brent with all of my heart and I know that as God helps me through the turmoils and struggles that Satin lays before me, Brent will be standing right next to me, holding my hand, and telling me that everything will be alright. And I know now, in my heart, that he is right.

Rascal Flatts says it best, 'I won't let go'

The Many Faces Of Reality

Things have been going better in Pinon. My mysterious case of tonsillitis has returned with vengeance and my students have been brats lately. Today was the first day in a long time where being at work was not painful. Evenings with Brent are spent watching movies and assembling our soon to be home together. But unfortunately the bad thing about living away from everyone and everything is that you are the last to find out anything that happens at home...

I made my evening phone call to my mom tonight to talk about a couple of wedding things and to just talk. Toward the end of the conversation I found out the bad news. Around was diagnosed with cancer so was my Aunt Bonnie. Aunt Bonnie is something else and she always had this spunk that made you want to be around her. They had taken out most of the cancer, her colin, and several other internal organs when everything started but recently she has developed a new issue. She has a blood clot within a valve near her heart. They tried using some natural resources to break down the clot. Because of its location, they have to be very careful of what they do. To much pressure on the clot and it could move through her valve, into her heart, and to her brain killing her. As of right now she is stable and in the hospital until further notice.

What makes this an even harsher reality is where her husband is. Don works for a major company and cannot even be with his wife because he is at a conference in Georgia related to the Japan tsunami. The tsunami has now claimed over 6,000 lives with more than 10,000 people missing. But what makes the visual damage worse is the secret killer sweeping through the small island. The Japanese nuclear plant was severally damaged from the water, causing four out of 6 reactors to crack and break. There are workers inside the nuclear plant that have accepted their fate. They have been so severally exposed to radiation that no amount of protection can save them. People living up to 20 kilos from the plant, some 200,000 people, have been evacuated to safer parts of the island. While lose 20 - 30 kilos are under house arrest and cannot leave under any circumstances. If the radiation is not contained it will continue to leak into the air and water causing another catastrophic event. How does this relate to my uncle you ask?  The Japanese government hired my Uncle to design and install the reactor in the plant. He is sitting in Georgia trying to figure out how to save hundreds upon thousands of lives.

The Hardest Thing In Life

November 2010 was the last time that I had spoken to my Aunt Nicole since the death of my grandfather. Before his passing we had several disagreements about my engagement to Brent and when he came home to meet the family she held her tongue because she knew it was not the time or the place. At the funeral I had made a personal decision to not attend a special ceremony in memory of my grandfather, this caused a great deal of turmoil in the family and several broken relationships. We ended our family relationship and had not planned on speaking for some years, if at all. 

For the past two days I have been sitting at home thinking to myself and reading my scriptures. I came to the conclusion that I needed to repent. I needed to ask for forgiveness from Jesus for the things that I had done wrong onto my family and to give me the strength to not necessarily ask for their forgiveness, but begin the process of fixing the bonds that I had caused to break due to my selfishness. 

I began by writing a letter to my Aunt Nicole telling her how sorry I was for causing her so much pain and not apologizing earlier. At that time, I was thinking only about my personal feelings, and although at the time I do not regret making the decision I did, I know now that it was not about myself and that I should have made my decision based upon my families wishes and for my grandfather. I regret that I missed my grandfather's military service and that is something that I can never get back. By the time I had finished the letter I felt that mailing or emailing it was not appropriate, I needed to call her. For the first time since November I picked up the phone and dialed the house number. No one answered so I chose to leave a message. After leaving the message I took some time to prepare my thoughts and emotions by relaxing with a shower. After exiting the shower the phone rang, it was my Aunt Nicole.

I closed the door to my bedroom and answered the phone, she was on the other end. We spoke for about an hour and a half were we calmly exchanged thoughts and feelings. There was no arguing, no yelling, a lot of crying, and forgiveness. I told her that I did not expect to be forgiven bt her the wrong that I had done to the family but she told me that she had forgiven me a long time ago. I told her that I had been wanting to call her for a long time but did not know if she ever wanted to speak to me again. She told me that she had forgiven me a long time ago and apologized for not being the adult and calling me first. She told me that she did not know what prompted me to call her tonight because she thought it would be years before we spoke, but was glad that we could finally talk. For the first time since my grandfather's death I feel at peace. I feel as though I finally understand another piece of myself and that I can practice my faith with more awareness and commitment when learning and studying. 

Nicole and I also spoke about my engagement with Brent. She asked if I truly knew if this is what I wanted and I said yes. She told me that if I loved Brent and this is what I wanted then she is happy for me and will support me. She does not want Brent to feel unwelcome in the family any more than he probably already does because of the conflicts he has witnessed. She wants us to come out to visit this summer but due to finances we are unsure yet if this is a possibility. Maybe we will have to see if we can make it work. I think it might be a wise decision to settle and resolve any remaining family issues that might be occurring. 

I can see know how my faith in the church and the strength within myself has grown in the past several months. If this would have happened a couple of years ago I would have thrown a tantrum and never spoken to the family again. I am glad that I got to speak to my aunt for a while. During the conversation she asked me what I needed from her to make this work better and I replied 'be my aunt and not my mother, and be there when I need someone to talk to.' She said 'I can do that.'

This is for you Aunt Nicole, I love you!

Leading A Boring Life

Brent attended a conference in Scottsdale leaving me in Pinon to fend for myself for 48 hours. I was looking forward to some time to catch up on grades and get back into the swing of things but I never realized how boring my life was without Brent around.

I woke up in the morning very enthusiastic about returning to my students. After getting ready, eating breakfast, and dealing with the dogs I headed for the high school. I spent the next 30 minutes catching up on paper work, checking in with the school secretary, and preparing for the school day. During my prep hour I worked on getting my classroom back into functioning order and was all ready for my first day back after a whole week of being off. Seeing my second hour class was INCREDIBLE! One of my students walked straight up to me and hugged me. She was so happy that I was back. I surprised the students with putting new books on their chairs and they were really excited to be moving on. We spend the entire class hour playing and actually accomplishing a lot. Third hour choir did not go as well but they ended up having to sing in front of their fellow classmates. For some of the students this was really embarrassing because it showed their peers that they have no idea what they were doing. 

I nibbled at lunch and then prepared for my freshman band. As these students came in and set up I knew I was in the home stretch for the day. In the middle of 4th hour my classroom lights went out. We had enough light to continue out lesson but there was no way we would be doing anything else after that. The students packed up their instrument and I headed down toward the office to see what was going on. The entire Pinon area was out of power. Between the 30 - 40 mile per hour winds, the rain, snow, and hail the electrical lines just could not hold up. After two hours of sitting in the dark the district sent home the students one hour early. As soon as they dismissed the students the power came back on. We are technically still suppose to stay till 4 PM but with being tired I decided to go home and work for awhile before Brent got home. 

As time passed I realized how boring my life was without Brent. Did I really lead this boring of a life before he appeared? I use to stay at work until 5:30 or 6 PM working, come home and eat dinner, watch a movie or two, and then go to bed around 9 PM. LAME!!! Without Brent around I found myself doing nothing and just staring into the great beyond. I went back to work for awhile only to find myself even more bored than before. I went home and watched a movie hoping to pass the time but it still did not work. Finally around 6:30 PM Brent called to tell me that he was in Flagstaff and would be heading my way, he should be home around 9:30 PM. This worked out great. As time passed and 9:30 approached there was still no Brent. He called me to tell me that the roads were to bad and that he was not going to be able to finish making the drive tonight, it was becoming a matter of safety. He made it to the Hopi Cultural Center and rented a room for the night. Brent is only about 30 miles from me but I will not see him for one more night. 

It is amazing how great you think your life really is, meet someone and spend every waking minute with them, and then when you spend time by yourself again you realize how much your life sucked. Life is boring without Brent, I even miss the random thoughts...

The Beginning of a New Week and a New Pamela

Last week, although it was the longest week of my life, was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.

After going to the hospital and later finding out that I basically blacked out on the way home, as Brent put it I was pathetic (thanks honey), I made a doctors appointment with an ENT on Thursday in Flagstaff. I was trying to sneak out of Pinon and let Brent stay at work since he had left so much to take care of me during the course of the week. I got one of my friends involved who went to his classroom and stole my keys. Well, if you can imagine that did not go so well and he called me in a panic. When he discovered that my plan was to drive myself to the doctors he freaked out and took off work. It defeated the whole purpose of me disappearing to feel better. I am not use to someone telling me 'no'. It is not that I always get what I want I just am use to taking care of myself and that includes going to the doctors. So Brent with me to the doctors where they diagnosed me with strep and tonsillitis, gave me new medication, and told me that I need to have my tonsils taken out. Later that night I decided that I was in no condition to sit in the car for two hours so we rented a hotel room and stayed in Flagstaff. I took the first dose of medication on Thursday night and woke up like nothing had ever happened. Over the next few days I kept getting better and better. I was able to actually eat for the first time in 72 hours without feeling sick to my stomach, did a little shopping, and went on a date with my man.

I was actually really scared when I was sick. The only think I could worry about was my job. I was afraid that they were going to let me go because I had missed so much work, but I one of the vice principals donated some time off to prevent me from getting a huge pay cut. Although I was physically ill I honestly needed the time to get my emotional health back into perspective. I realized that I am tired of making everyone else happy around me and not myself. I am tired of trying to impress my family and doing everything to just please them. If people really have a problem with me marrying Brent then say it to my face and not behind my back. Brent has done more for me than most of my family combined and I know that he will be there holding my hand through everything. I love him with all of my heart and nothing can change that. I also have learned that I need to start letting the small things go. I can't handle the stress and making decisions by myself is harder than anything else I could ever imagine. He will win a few, I will win a few more, but we will always talk things out and say 'I love you' at the end of the night.

I love you Brent!

The Mysterious Illness

On Monday February 28th I started feeling really tired and out of it. While Brent passed out on the couch I made dinner and watch family guy, trying to relax and hopefully de-stress myself. I decided to go to bed around 8:30 PM in hopes that a good nights sleep would do me well. I woke up at 2 AM in the morning and decided that sleeping in the bathroom was a better option. I fell asleep on the bathroom floor for a little while and then relocated to the couch. I was in and out of sleep for about 3 hours until it finally happened, I got sick.

I called off work on Tuesday, again, to get some rest. I had been unable to keep any fluids down, my body ached everywhere imaginable, and the idea of even moving made my ill. I stayed in bed most of the day and then decided that I was feeling well enough to take a shower. At the end of my shower I tilted my head a little to far back and there went the rest of my fluids. Brent came to check on me during lunch and as soon as he sat down I started crying, and in a weeping pathetic sound told him that I needed to go to the hospital. I will admit that when I get really sick I do one of two things. One, I want everyone to leave me alone or two, I turn into a helpless little child because I just quit. By this point I had just quit.

Brent drove me to the Tuba City Emergency room. We got there around 3:50 PM and I was in a bed by 4:30 PM, not to bad. They told me that they were going to pump me will 3 liters of fluids, draw some blood, get a chest x-ray, and run some tests. The doctor was leaning toward influenza or a kidney infection, both fit my symptoms perfectly. By 9:30 PM this was the diagnosis: when I came in my vitals were very low and I was severely dehydrated, the flu test came back negative, the kidney test came back negative, they ran a bunch of other tests which all came back negative, and the only thing that they found is that I had a high white blood cell count. They told me I was not allowed to go back to work for the entire week and to seek additional treatment if I wasn't feeling better in a couple of days. So, we filled the prescriptions and left.

Over night my fever came back and I had no desire to drink any fluids. I was still in bed when Brent came home from lunch. He basically forced me to get up and drink something because I was not doing well again. Later in the evening I began to suspect something. Besides an extremely sore stomach and being unable to eat my throat is killing me. It is really swollen and you can even tell from looking at my neck. The sides of my neck are all puffed out where my glands are. I looked up tonsillitis and read through some information. All of the symptoms and causes of tonsillitis are things that I have been dealing with over the past several weeks. I even looked at pictures and compared it to the back of my throat and they matched perfectly. I need to see an ENT. I asked Brent if I could drive myself on Friday and he told me no, he is worried about me driving if I am unable to turn my head. Ok, legitimate.

So that is were we stand, a sick Pam and a worried Brent. Hopefully once I get over whatever this then Brent will get better and we can stay better until after the wedding. That would be a miracle...

A Very Stressful Week

This week started out very stressful and seemed to only get worse...

Brent and I were both very sick toward the beginning of the week. I had spent a lot of time writing sub lesson plans to ensure that my students were still working toward a goal. When I submitted my Wednesday lesson plans I was informed that the students were not working on the assigned materials because they had been removed from the classroom and placed into the library to just "chill." Both of my classroom were being used for English bootcamp in preparation for the upcoming AIMS examinations. For the majority of Wednesday night I was in a panic. Brent suggested that we go up to the high school and take a look around ourselves, I agreed. When we got to the high school I went straight for the band room. The room wasn't too bad but I still wanted to return it to my expectations. Then came the choir room. I walked, turned on the lights, and basically screamed. The room was a mess. Desks were moved and some where even tipped over others. My piano had been moved. The moving of the piano is not such a big deal, except for the fact that it has a bad wheel and you have to pick up one end of it in order to move it because if you don't then the pressure moves the strings and it goes back to being out of tune. Brent helped me for about an hour reorganize my room and I swore that the next day would be hell.

On Thursday morning I woke up, got ready, and headed for the high school. Upon my arrival at the high school the only person I wanted to see was Dave, the principal. I told him about the condition of my rooms and that I wanted them out of the band room. He walked and talked with me. We soon encountered one of the English teachers who did a majority of the planning process. I told her how disappointed I was in the program and that they need to leave my room. By the end of the day I destroyed an entire English department and the principals cowering in fear of my wrath. Teachers kept asking Brent how I was doing throughout the day and his response was "she is on a war path." I don't usually sound like this but I will admit that I am a spoiled brat at times. I have always gotten what I wanted and I always will. I made the English department well aware that I am not someone to mess with and that if I want them to leave then they will leave. By Thursday night I had a very detailed apology letter asking for forgiveness, my response "thank you."

Friday had a much better start. We were short a lot of teachers in the building due to D3M meetings at district office, bootcamp, and other reasons so I volunteered to help substitute when needed. I was also asked by several seniors to be there sponsor for a senior trip to California. I would get to attend all of the same activities they do free of charge. Of course I said yes, a free trip to Cali, who wouldn't. I also decided that since it was Friday and most of my students were missing that it was movie day. Everything was going smoothly until 6th hour. I had a parent of one of my students show up with a concern about graduation. He daughter was suppose to sing the Star Spangled Banner but I was informed by the senior class sponsor that I should put together a group of seniors to sing instead. The student, upset with me because she felt like I was taking away her dreams, called her mom to complain and insisted that she come fix the problem. The parent and I got back onto the same page and decided to meet with the senior class sponsor in hopes that we could resolve this matter quietly. 

By the time the evening rolled around I was tired and ready to spend a nice quiet evening with Brent. On payday Fridays Brent and I usually bail for Chinle to take care of our pay checks and spend some quiet time together, we also usually have a dinner date. Brent informed me though that he did not know where his wallet was and that he needed his drivers license in order to be able to cash his paycheck. We went to his house to look around and had no luck. We dug through both trucks and his classroom, but had no luck. We decided to call it quits and stay in Pinon. When I get really stressed out or upset I shut down. I needed to get out of Pinon for the evening, especially since we had to work on Saturday, but that was not going to happen.

Brent has spent most of the evening trying to make me smile and actually feel good about myself again. Most men would tell you to get over yourself, but not Brent. He recalled a phrase I said when he was really sick in January. I had told him that when you are sick the best way to feel better is to watch kid movies. He suggested we go on a Disney marathon and start with Beauty and the Beast. I loved the idea and was excited. Later in the evening Brent made a small comment that made me shut down again. Sometimes I think when I shut down he gets scared but he won't tell me because he knows that I need my space. He always stands by me and waits until he thinks the time is right before he tries to break the tension. 

After having our dinner and watching, what he later found out to be my favorite princess movie I talked to him about what I felt like I needed. While he went home to get his textbook I made a phone call to talk about a medication. During my senior year in college I was beyond stressed. My grandfather had just been diagnosed with cancer, I just started student teaching, I was a senior in college, I was preparing for my senior recital, and looking for a job. To put it simply, I was falling apart. I decided that I needed something to call my nerves and was prescribed anxiety medication. I stopped taking the medication in May when I got really sick because I wanted to clear my body of all narcotics. I made the decision tonight that with everything going on in my life I need something to calm my nerves until the wedding is over. I found my prescription, prayed, and decided that this is something that I had to do for myself. Maybe if I get back into my routine, stop trying so hard to make everyone so happy all of the time, and enjoy life then I will be able to prevent this from happening again. 

Here is my little shout out... Brent I love you with all of my heart. Although we have only been together five months and the wedding is less than two months away I know that you will be by my side through everything. I love you and all I want is to make you happy. And you are right, I need to start with taking care of myself first so I promise to you that I will do my best and all ask from you is your support and love.

OH-IO! Oh I'm Sick

Last Thursday I woke up, got ready for school, packed the truck, and went to pick up Brent. I noticed though that I wasn't feeling like my normal self. I had a bit of a sore throat and an upset stomach. At first I thought maybe it was because I was dehydrated or just nervous about traveling. I worked through the whole day and then left around 4 PM with Brent to Phoenix.

We arrived in Phoenix around 8:30 PM to find out that my midnight flight was delayed until 1:30 AM. We later found out that it was because Obama landed in San Francisco and the plane that was suppose to take me to Chicago was stuck in San Fran. Great... I made Brent leave the airport around 11 PM and go to his hotel because he was tired and had a big day ahead of him. I went through security and found a quiet restaurant to sit in and wait until my flight. The longer I sat and just waited the more I felt just plane awful. I knew I was getting sick but refused to let that get intervene with my weekend with friends and family.

The first flight was ok. The captain made it from Phoenix to Chicago in 2.5 hours. WOW! I had a 3 hour lay over where I passed out in the terminal while waiting for my next flight. The second flight was painful. There was a lot of turbulence and if you have ever traveled in the air on an upset stomach then you understand my pain. I spent the entire 45 minutes in the bathroom being deathly ill. The flight attendant knocked on the door and offered me a Sprite.

I spent the whole weekend in Ohio. I felt pretty much horrible the entire time but it was worth it in the long run. I took care of a bunch of wedding stuff with my mom. Saw my step-mom and step-sister. I hung out with maid of honor, Emma. And even made time to hang with the sorority. By Sunday morning though I knew I had to go to the doctor. I got up and drove 30 minutes to my Ohio doctor where I was told that I had an inner ear infection (great, more hearing problems), a sinus infection, and a upper respiratory infection. He gave me enough antibiotics to get through 10 days and even then he said I probably would still be fighting all of it.

I flew home on Monday morning where I met the most amazing man at the airport, Brent. We started driving home and I, once again, was out. I was so tired and pretty much felt awful that I was no help driving and was even worse company. We got back to Pinon around 8 PM that night. I knew I had to get up for work the following day so I did not stay up to late.

I woke up on Tuesday morning with every intention of going to work. But the more I pushed myself the worse I got. I finally just made the decision that I needed to stay home and sleep. I packed up some stuff and headed for Brent's house since it is much warmer than mine and closer to the school in case something happened. Well Brent was not feeling well on Tuesday morning either. He kept complaining of an upset stomach and how bad he ached. He went to work, but came home about 45 minutes later. At that point I switched into 'wife' mode and forgot how crappy I felt and took care of my sick hubby. I got him sick and felt awful for it, I still feel bad.

On Wednesday we felt the same way so I called both of us off sick again. I later found out during the day that I had no voice and Brent laughed at me. I kind of sounded like a really squeaky mouse. And if I would have gone to work I might have screamed at some people considering they kicked my students out of the classroom so they could run some stupid 'AIMS boot camp' but that is another story. I have been trying to take care of Brent all day. I stayed awake so if he woke and needed me I was right there. I covered him up when he was cold, I cleaned his house and cooked for him, and yet I still feel awful. He tried to tell me to go take a nap but I said 'when have you ever been able to tell me to do something' and he said 'a few times.'

I still feel awful and my voice is gone. Oh well, at least Brent is feeling better and that is all that matters to me.

LOVE YOU HUNNY!

Too Much 'To Do List' To Do...

Planning a wedding is stressful! Since being engaged my immune system has totally died. I am sick pretty much non stop. And although I am really good at pushing myself to get up, go to work, and take care of Brent I just cannot do it all.

I was given the challenge of planning a wedding in 6 months, which is actually pretty do able is you space things out evenly. Brent and me picked a date within a few days of being engaged, April 23, 2011. We found a really nice and affordable venue located in Dallas City, IL. I wanted Brent to pick the location before I looked for a venue. LDS marriages take place inside the temple but because I was just baptized and no one else in my family is LDS he wanted to have a civil marriage so my family could attend. The venue is called the 1850's Guest House and is only about 10 minutes north of Nauvoo. We are planning on getting married outside and having the reception inside. We chose IL because we only think that it is fair if both families have to travel. Luckily, most people have been very open and willing to this which has made the planning process easier.

We mailed out wedding invitations about one month ago, along with all of the RSVP information, rehearsal dinner invites, and out-of-town hotel accommodations. A lot of the invitations have been lost in the mail or were returned which made things a little frustrating when grandparents are calling asking if they are invited to the wedding.

We found a really nice florist in the area and made all of the flower arrangements. Joe and I planned the rehearsal dinner and made the reservation. I have met with the officiant and made a rough outline of the service, he is going to send us a typed version for revision and finalization in a few weeks. We have a caterer and supply rental company in line and waiting for finalized numbers. I have my wedding dress, vail, shoes, and all of those necessary supplies. All of the dresses for the bridesmaids have been ordered, paid for, and shipped.

I know I am missing things, but the moral of the story is that things are going well. Only a few more things to do before the big day!

The Happiest Day of My Life...

Most people consider their wedding day or the birth of their first child to be the happiest day of their life. Mine was my baptisim into the LDS church. But what made this day special was it was with my future family, I watched my future father-in-law cry, and Brent was the one who baptized me.

I was raised traditional Roman Catholic and hated every minute of it. My mother was Baptist and my father was Catholic. To appeal to the families my parents decided to raise me under the beliefs of the Catholic church. My parents separated when I was young and, in the church that my mother and I were still practicing, divorce was considered unallowable. We were shunned from the churched and labeled. This put a very poor view of religion into my mind and I believed that as long as I knew who I was inside and knew that my faith was true, then who needed a church.

After watching General Conference in October I asked Pam Fowles if I could go to church with them the next Sunday. She was so excited and quickly began planning, yikes! To my surprise, I felt comfortable and found myself wanted to come back. Pam encouraged me to meet with the missionaries and learn about the church. She reinforced that no one could make my decision for me to join the church and if I chose not to then it would not be a big deal. After meeting with the missionaries a couple of times, talking with Pam, and learning from Brent I began to fall in love with the church. I made the decision to convert to LDS and be baptized.

Brent's family was excited and nervous all at the same time. His father, Joe, had the most worries because of his devotion to his faith. He was afraid that I was converting just to be with Brent but it was still not getting through. Brent's parents thought that it would be nice for me to get baptized in Smithfield with family. I agreed to this and the planning began. This also meant that I would have my last discussion with Brent's parents. Most father's of the bride are the ones who stare down the guy and give them the 'talk', right? This was not the case. During my final discussion, Joe sat across me at the fireplace staring me down as I answered questions. Needless to say I was scared out of my mind. I wanted him to know that I was doing this for myself because I actually had found a faith that I believed in and I wanted him to realized how much I loved his son. After the discussion, Joe welcomed me to the family and we all began the processes of planning the baptism.

I was baptized on November 27, 2010 and confirmed the following Sunday in our branch in Pinon, AZ. Brent describes my baptism as the happiest day of his life as well. At one point, the missionaries sang a song during the program. I looked over at Brent and slow tears began rolling down his cheek. I leaned over wiped one away and he returned he smiled at me. He had a sort of glow about him for the rest of the trip and seemed to never stop smiling.

Losing those we hold most dear

On Christmas Eve of 2009 my grandfather was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. The extent of the cancer was unknown. In January of 2010 my family received a blow that would change us forever.

My grandfather had skin cancer for most of his life and it has been managed very well. On his most recent visit they removed spots of skin cancer but missed one on his neck. The skin cancer was absorbed into his body and traveled through his blood stream until finally settling in the upper right corner of his right lung. The only treatments available where kemo. My grandfather agreed to kemo with the understanding that it was not a cure and would only extend his chances to live up to one year.

The battle was hard on everyone emotionally but his battle physically reminded us what was important. In order to keep pushing himself through the kemo, blood transfusions, and lack of ability to complete tasks he would set goals for himself. His first goal was May 26, 2010, his granddaughter's senior recital. In wheel chair, he rolled up to a seat and made himself comfortable. His face shown brighter than anything other audience, but his pain internally was growing by the minute. He left without saying goodbye because he could no longer sit in the same spot. His second goal was June 13, 2010, his granddaughter's college graduation. Unlike my parents, I was determined to graduate from college. My grandfather was determined as well and paid for the majority of my college expenses. He sat and cried as I walked across the stage to pick up my diploma.

In May of 2010 I told my grandfather that I got a job in Arizona. At first he was nervous, but then was beyond excitement. He found an atlas, located Pinon on the map, and carried the map around for weeks showing every visitor that entered the house where I was going to be moving to. It was around this time that the family began to collapse. His youngest daughter, Nicole, began showing signs of aggression and jealousy toward me. We went out for a shopping trip and she decided to tell me that I should be grateful that he was doing all of this for me and that he loved me this much. My aunt and father were dumped out  their house by grandfather on their 18 birthdays. They never received any kind of financial help or guidance, they were just told to survive. I was the first and last granddaughter in my grandpa's life. I am his baby and he would help me through everything.

The last time I would ever see my grandfather would be on July 4, 2010. I came over to kiss him and tell him goodbye, I was pulling out of Ohio the next day and I had no idea if I would ever see him again. I called him once a week and wrote him letters that my grandmother would read to him. I would tell him about Pinon and the students, I told him about Brent and we celebrated our engagement with him. Grandpa defended my engagement to Brent against the entire Miller family. I was happy that I had found someone to spend my life with and that he had lived long enough to celebrate that moment with me.

I wrote my last letter in November and recorded myself reading the letter to my grandfather. The last two paragraphs were, in a sense, my final goodbye...

"I miss you with all of my heart Grandpa and I am sorry that I cannot be there by your side through everything. I might not be there in person, but I am in there in spirit. Brent asks about you all of the time, asking about the kind of person you are and the influence you must have had on me to become the person I am. You have always been a person for me to call when I just needed someone to listen. I love you with all of my heart.

One day I hoped you would be able to walk me down the aisle in your military uniform. I have chosen to have no one give me away because the only person who I feel like has deserved that honor is you. Even though you will not be there in person I know you will be by my side as I walk to my future. You will be with me through every step down the aisle holding my hand telling me that everything will be ok."

At 2 AM the next morning my phone rang, it was Nicole. Grandpa had passed away in his sleep. I was on a STUCO trip in Phoenix, basically by myself with no one to hold me. I called Pam and she helped calm me down. I called Brent and he grunted at me, never wake up a man before 6 AM. I came home later that afternoon and began packing to return home for the funeral. I cried for one day and occasionally shed a tear if something touched my heart but I saw no reason to mourn. He had been deathly ill battling a disease that would never be cured. He was in a better place and I was happy for him. 

Brent traveled with me to Ohio where he met my family. The circumstances were at least a neutral ground because no one was in any condition to address me about the engagement was was more worried about their own well being then anyone else in the family. I had already planned to skip out on a lot of the events. My grandfather only wanted one thing from me, and that was to play the flute at his funeral. Brent and I attended one out of two viewings and the funeral mass. I made the decision not to attend the service in Dayton, 3 hours south, due to traveling and personal reasons. My family viewed this as the most disrespectful thing in the world and shunned me. My grandmother will speak to me but continuously reminds me that I am a disappointment. 

I love my grandfather I and I know that he is by my side all of the time. I know that when I walk down the aisle to Brent he will be holding my hand telling me everything will be alright. My family does not understand the relationship that my grandfather and I had and they never will. 

Pacts, Pinon, and a Proposal

In May of 2010 I received my first job offer to teach on the Navajo Indian Reservation in a small rural community called Pinon. Little did I know that this was about to become one of the biggest adventures I had ever taken. I packed up and moved 1700 miles in July of 2010 with the intention of never looking back.

Have you ever been in a car by yourself for fours days with only the radio and the occasional phone call from the Penske driver behind you to tell you she needs to pull over? You do a lot of thinking about what you want out of life. During the drive I made a pact with myself that I needed to spend at least five years in Pinon to establish myself as a teacher, figure out what I was going to do with my career, and to take some time for myself. I was ok with having no friends and no intimate relationships. I was willing to accept a life of solitude in order to find some peace and quiet from a past that seemed to follow me no matter where I went. Some members of my family are very over bearing and refuse to let me grow up. They feel the need to control my every step and only give me enough of a leash to breathe, let alone make mistakes and actually learn how to function within society.

I settled in Pinon in July of 2010. My mom stayed with me for two weeks helping me unpack and arrange my house. We explored Flagstaff together and a little bit of Phoenix before she got on a plane and returned to Ohio. During the last week of July all of the teachers were required to attend professional development to begin preparing for the first week of classes. All of the new teachers had to stand up and introduce themselves. After we introduced ourselves and the meeting was over a fellow new teacher at the high school came and introduced himself, his name was Brent Maynard. During the same week I met my other half in life, Pam Fowles. She is a wife of a history teacher in the high school and we swear that we were separated at birth.

I live at the end of a loop and my house faces a line of mountains and the valley. The first night I was in my house I looked out back and saw the sun setting with the clouds. It was so beautiful. 

Once monsoon season finally passed and the clouds were gone this became my normal sunset. 

I made another friend who lived close by my house named Jackie. We took a day and traveled to Canyon De Chelly in Chinle, about one hour east of Pinon. In the bottom of the canyon are tons of ruins, it was incredible! Hiking back up was painful though, especially since we had to stop for the mountain crossing. That is something you don't see everyday. 

I took this picture at my first Pinon football game. The team sucks, but watching the sunset behind the football games was like having our own 'Friday Night Lights'

As time progressed Brent became one of my closest friends. We both adopted two little puppies from the same litter and spent a lot of time having puppy play dates. We began taking longer walks and even longer evenings at the Fowles house. Everyone around us thought we were already dating, but were just friends. On one evening walk we talked about what we look for when looking for a relationship. It was at this moment that I reminded myself of my pact with myself to not date anyone and to back off. Brent had someone he still had feelings for in Utah and I did not want to interfere. Whether he knows it or not but for the next couple of days I purposely avoided him so I could put myself back into the mind set I had set out for myself. But I felt like a part of me was missing and I slowly began hanging back out at the Fowles to see him and hold brief conversations.

In October I was invited to watch General Conference with Brent and the Fowles. I wanted to snuggle up to him so bad but resisted. Jokingly I laid my head on his shoulder because I was tired and he wrapped his arm around me. I fell asleep cuddled up to him and it felt right. Several weeks later we went out for dinner in Chinle and back to my house to watch a movie. We both fell asleep wrapped up in each others arms while watching the movie. Our faces were close together and we both admitted later that we wanted to kiss the other one that night but was not sure. He still had feelings for someone else and I was just confused. Needless to say we kissed that night. I had never kissed someone until that night and Brent made my heart stop.

I took this picture after one of our first puppy play dates. Brent bought these squeaky stuffed animal things and had both puppies playing at the same time. 

After the first week of being together I traveled home to see my mother and family. I missed him more than life itself at that point. When I landed in Phoenix, I sped home to see him. I showed up at his house to find him laying on the futon with an empty box of pop tarts. He looked like he had not showered in a month and was starving. He kissed me and at that moment I knew I never wanted to be without him again. The following weekend was Halloween. We are both big kids and decided to dress up, I was the fair maiden, he was my night in shining tin foil, and we drove the white stallion. That night he asked me to spend forever with him, and I said yes.

In October I saw my niece and nephews. When Brent went home to meet my family these kids ATTACKED him! Coral is the most blunt three year old I have ever met. I asked her what she thought of Brent and she said 'well, I don't know how to put this but he's not very cute, he's not my type.'