My grandfather had skin cancer for most of his life and it has been managed very well. On his most recent visit they removed spots of skin cancer but missed one on his neck. The skin cancer was absorbed into his body and traveled through his blood stream until finally settling in the upper right corner of his right lung. The only treatments available where kemo. My grandfather agreed to kemo with the understanding that it was not a cure and would only extend his chances to live up to one year.
The battle was hard on everyone emotionally but his battle physically reminded us what was important. In order to keep pushing himself through the kemo, blood transfusions, and lack of ability to complete tasks he would set goals for himself. His first goal was May 26, 2010, his granddaughter's senior recital. In wheel chair, he rolled up to a seat and made himself comfortable. His face shown brighter than anything other audience, but his pain internally was growing by the minute. He left without saying goodbye because he could no longer sit in the same spot. His second goal was June 13, 2010, his granddaughter's college graduation. Unlike my parents, I was determined to graduate from college. My grandfather was determined as well and paid for the majority of my college expenses. He sat and cried as I walked across the stage to pick up my diploma.
In May of 2010 I told my grandfather that I got a job in Arizona. At first he was nervous, but then was beyond excitement. He found an atlas, located Pinon on the map, and carried the map around for weeks showing every visitor that entered the house where I was going to be moving to. It was around this time that the family began to collapse. His youngest daughter, Nicole, began showing signs of aggression and jealousy toward me. We went out for a shopping trip and she decided to tell me that I should be grateful that he was doing all of this for me and that he loved me this much. My aunt and father were dumped out their house by grandfather on their 18 birthdays. They never received any kind of financial help or guidance, they were just told to survive. I was the first and last granddaughter in my grandpa's life. I am his baby and he would help me through everything.
The last time I would ever see my grandfather would be on July 4, 2010. I came over to kiss him and tell him goodbye, I was pulling out of Ohio the next day and I had no idea if I would ever see him again. I called him once a week and wrote him letters that my grandmother would read to him. I would tell him about Pinon and the students, I told him about Brent and we celebrated our engagement with him. Grandpa defended my engagement to Brent against the entire Miller family. I was happy that I had found someone to spend my life with and that he had lived long enough to celebrate that moment with me.
I wrote my last letter in November and recorded myself reading the letter to my grandfather. The last two paragraphs were, in a sense, my final goodbye...
"I miss you with all of my heart Grandpa and I am sorry that I cannot be there by your side through everything. I might not be there in person, but I am in there in spirit. Brent asks about you all of the time, asking about the kind of person you are and the influence you must have had on me to become the person I am. You have always been a person for me to call when I just needed someone to listen. I love you with all of my heart.
One day I hoped you would be able to walk me down the aisle in your military uniform. I have chosen to have no one give me away because the only person who I feel like has deserved that honor is you. Even though you will not be there in person I know you will be by my side as I walk to my future. You will be with me through every step down the aisle holding my hand telling me that everything will be ok."
At 2 AM the next morning my phone rang, it was Nicole. Grandpa had passed away in his sleep. I was on a STUCO trip in Phoenix, basically by myself with no one to hold me. I called Pam and she helped calm me down. I called Brent and he grunted at me, never wake up a man before 6 AM. I came home later that afternoon and began packing to return home for the funeral. I cried for one day and occasionally shed a tear if something touched my heart but I saw no reason to mourn. He had been deathly ill battling a disease that would never be cured. He was in a better place and I was happy for him.
Brent traveled with me to Ohio where he met my family. The circumstances were at least a neutral ground because no one was in any condition to address me about the engagement was was more worried about their own well being then anyone else in the family. I had already planned to skip out on a lot of the events. My grandfather only wanted one thing from me, and that was to play the flute at his funeral. Brent and I attended one out of two viewings and the funeral mass. I made the decision not to attend the service in Dayton, 3 hours south, due to traveling and personal reasons. My family viewed this as the most disrespectful thing in the world and shunned me. My grandmother will speak to me but continuously reminds me that I am a disappointment.
I love my grandfather I and I know that he is by my side all of the time. I know that when I walk down the aisle to Brent he will be holding my hand telling me everything will be alright. My family does not understand the relationship that my grandfather and I had and they never will.
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