For the past several months the only thing I could think about is going home to Ohio for Thanksgiving. This trip is what helped me get through the past several months of frustration at work, but now I do not know how I feel.
It is not that the trip has been bad but more disappointing in a way. We arrived several hours later then planned because we arrived late to the shelter to drop off the dogs. After finally making all of the arrangements to drop them off in the morning Brent and I had to purchase new plane tickets. The total cost of plane tickets for this trip - $2,000. We landed at Port Columbus around 9:30 PM, 5 hours later then originally planned. We got to the hotel where mom met us and helped us get checked in a settled.
On Sunday morning Brent, mom, and I went to church in Delaware. It was a nice change compared to Pinon and Utah, kind of an in between the two. The speakers were wonderful and very uplifting. Brent and my mom headed out for a day on the town where the two of them went to the movies, did a little shopping, and just spent some time together. I went and picked up Emma where we headed to Tau Delta for activation. This is my last time going up to Otterbein and to the TD house. Unlike some people in my life, I am really good about separating ties when I feel no need to have certain people or things in my life. With the rest of my pledge class graduating at the end of the year I see no need to return anymore.
Monday was very hectic. Brent, Emma, and I went to campus where we met up with some old friends and teachers. Afterward we headed down to Stantons sheet music to make a list of music. I was slightly overwhelmed and ended up not getting anything accomplished I needed to. Brent purchased a beautiful snow globe for me of a music note and a flute, I love it. It also plays the theme from Mozart's 'The Magic Flute.' We then went to lunch and took Emma home. Monday night was also my baby shower. We headed over to Grandma Miller's house to pick her up and chill until we had to head down. The first words out of my grandmother's mouth were 'You don't look pregnant, just fat.' Thanks grandma. We then headed down to the baby shower in Mt. Sterling. I dropped Brent with dad and Nick for the night. The party was really fun. Xander officially has more clothes than I ever will in my life. At the party everyone started asking how many kids Brent and I want to have. Realistically, we have talked about four and then waiting to see what happens. Grandma laughed. Later in the car that evening I asked grandma about her comment. She said I was too type A to have children. She believes that my stress and anxiety are too high to be a good mother and that I should reconsider having kids. For the first time through this whole pregnancy I actually believed her. Of course I'm nervous, of course I'm scared, but I actually do not know if I can be a mom. Maybe my stress and anxiety are too high. Maybe I don't know what I'm doing. But lets just say that my depression is back.
Tuesday was the fun day. Brent and I slept in for awhile. We then went to lunch with grandma downtown in German Village. Brent has never had REAL German food. He really enjoyed it. That evening we went bowling with the entire family. After bowling Brent and I went dancing downtown at the Hillel, the Jewish Community Center at OSU. Brent was so brave and danced every single dance. I spent most of the time talking to Neev, a life long friend since middle school. He and I are really close and I am grateful to have a friend like him in my life.
Before we knew it was Wednesday. Brent and I slept in and went to look at some of the sites around town. We went to Delaware and looked at several of the historical markers, after wards we headed to Columbus to see the temple, then to Dublin to see the frog and the field of corn. We then met up with Mom and work to see some of her close friends. Brent and I then headed down to Once Upon A Child were spent more money on Xander, but I bought my stroller for $40. Brent bought me beautiful flowers which made me cry. We then turned in the car and were at the beckon call of ever other driver in town. We met up with Grandma and Grandpa at Bob Evans for a small snack and then headed up to the hotel. The entire family met up for dinner last night where Brent and I treated. It was a nice time, and honestly, it put some things in perspective.
Today is Thanksgiving Day. One year ago I lost my grandfather to cancer, I met my future family, and was baptized into the LDS Church by my soon to be husband. So much has changed, except for my feelings about my family. I love my family and always will but with everyone back together again I still feel like an outcast. I am the crazy child who moved away to Arizona, who met a man and fell in love, got married, and got pregnant, I'm the crazy one who converted religions, and I still feel looked down upon. My family still picks on me and I have realized that I either take it and then feel horrible about myself or I pick back because I do not want to listen to it anymore. There is no making anyone happy in this family, I have honestly given up. I realized I moved away from Ohio because I hated feeling like this. I love and miss my Grandma and Grandpa Segers, my mom more than words can describe, and my dad some days of the month, but for the most part I have no desire to visit Ohio anymore. Maybe I can convince Brent to spend next Christmas in Florida or Hawaii with mom.
I think part of the other reason I feel this way is because we have spent so much time with Brent's family over the holidays that I do not know how I feel around my own family anymore. I have spent every major holiday with his family during the past several year. Brent has not really changed on this trip, but is not my energetic husband. I have spent more time this trip making sure he is ok then having fun. I just want to make sure that he is happy and I do not know how he is, I feel like my husband has stopped talking to me, and it just makes me feel like I am losing him again. I know Brent loves me but sometimes I just want him to talk to me instead of just shutting down, it makes me scared and unsettled.
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