For the past two days I have been sitting at home thinking to myself and reading my scriptures. I came to the conclusion that I needed to repent. I needed to ask for forgiveness from Jesus for the things that I had done wrong onto my family and to give me the strength to not necessarily ask for their forgiveness, but begin the process of fixing the bonds that I had caused to break due to my selfishness.
I began by writing a letter to my Aunt Nicole telling her how sorry I was for causing her so much pain and not apologizing earlier. At that time, I was thinking only about my personal feelings, and although at the time I do not regret making the decision I did, I know now that it was not about myself and that I should have made my decision based upon my families wishes and for my grandfather. I regret that I missed my grandfather's military service and that is something that I can never get back. By the time I had finished the letter I felt that mailing or emailing it was not appropriate, I needed to call her. For the first time since November I picked up the phone and dialed the house number. No one answered so I chose to leave a message. After leaving the message I took some time to prepare my thoughts and emotions by relaxing with a shower. After exiting the shower the phone rang, it was my Aunt Nicole.
I closed the door to my bedroom and answered the phone, she was on the other end. We spoke for about an hour and a half were we calmly exchanged thoughts and feelings. There was no arguing, no yelling, a lot of crying, and forgiveness. I told her that I did not expect to be forgiven bt her the wrong that I had done to the family but she told me that she had forgiven me a long time ago. I told her that I had been wanting to call her for a long time but did not know if she ever wanted to speak to me again. She told me that she had forgiven me a long time ago and apologized for not being the adult and calling me first. She told me that she did not know what prompted me to call her tonight because she thought it would be years before we spoke, but was glad that we could finally talk. For the first time since my grandfather's death I feel at peace. I feel as though I finally understand another piece of myself and that I can practice my faith with more awareness and commitment when learning and studying.
Nicole and I also spoke about my engagement with Brent. She asked if I truly knew if this is what I wanted and I said yes. She told me that if I loved Brent and this is what I wanted then she is happy for me and will support me. She does not want Brent to feel unwelcome in the family any more than he probably already does because of the conflicts he has witnessed. She wants us to come out to visit this summer but due to finances we are unsure yet if this is a possibility. Maybe we will have to see if we can make it work. I think it might be a wise decision to settle and resolve any remaining family issues that might be occurring.
I can see know how my faith in the church and the strength within myself has grown in the past several months. If this would have happened a couple of years ago I would have thrown a tantrum and never spoken to the family again. I am glad that I got to speak to my aunt for a while. During the conversation she asked me what I needed from her to make this work better and I replied 'be my aunt and not my mother, and be there when I need someone to talk to.' She said 'I can do that.'
This is for you Aunt Nicole, I love you!
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