A Very Stressful Week

This week started out very stressful and seemed to only get worse...

Brent and I were both very sick toward the beginning of the week. I had spent a lot of time writing sub lesson plans to ensure that my students were still working toward a goal. When I submitted my Wednesday lesson plans I was informed that the students were not working on the assigned materials because they had been removed from the classroom and placed into the library to just "chill." Both of my classroom were being used for English bootcamp in preparation for the upcoming AIMS examinations. For the majority of Wednesday night I was in a panic. Brent suggested that we go up to the high school and take a look around ourselves, I agreed. When we got to the high school I went straight for the band room. The room wasn't too bad but I still wanted to return it to my expectations. Then came the choir room. I walked, turned on the lights, and basically screamed. The room was a mess. Desks were moved and some where even tipped over others. My piano had been moved. The moving of the piano is not such a big deal, except for the fact that it has a bad wheel and you have to pick up one end of it in order to move it because if you don't then the pressure moves the strings and it goes back to being out of tune. Brent helped me for about an hour reorganize my room and I swore that the next day would be hell.

On Thursday morning I woke up, got ready, and headed for the high school. Upon my arrival at the high school the only person I wanted to see was Dave, the principal. I told him about the condition of my rooms and that I wanted them out of the band room. He walked and talked with me. We soon encountered one of the English teachers who did a majority of the planning process. I told her how disappointed I was in the program and that they need to leave my room. By the end of the day I destroyed an entire English department and the principals cowering in fear of my wrath. Teachers kept asking Brent how I was doing throughout the day and his response was "she is on a war path." I don't usually sound like this but I will admit that I am a spoiled brat at times. I have always gotten what I wanted and I always will. I made the English department well aware that I am not someone to mess with and that if I want them to leave then they will leave. By Thursday night I had a very detailed apology letter asking for forgiveness, my response "thank you."

Friday had a much better start. We were short a lot of teachers in the building due to D3M meetings at district office, bootcamp, and other reasons so I volunteered to help substitute when needed. I was also asked by several seniors to be there sponsor for a senior trip to California. I would get to attend all of the same activities they do free of charge. Of course I said yes, a free trip to Cali, who wouldn't. I also decided that since it was Friday and most of my students were missing that it was movie day. Everything was going smoothly until 6th hour. I had a parent of one of my students show up with a concern about graduation. He daughter was suppose to sing the Star Spangled Banner but I was informed by the senior class sponsor that I should put together a group of seniors to sing instead. The student, upset with me because she felt like I was taking away her dreams, called her mom to complain and insisted that she come fix the problem. The parent and I got back onto the same page and decided to meet with the senior class sponsor in hopes that we could resolve this matter quietly. 

By the time the evening rolled around I was tired and ready to spend a nice quiet evening with Brent. On payday Fridays Brent and I usually bail for Chinle to take care of our pay checks and spend some quiet time together, we also usually have a dinner date. Brent informed me though that he did not know where his wallet was and that he needed his drivers license in order to be able to cash his paycheck. We went to his house to look around and had no luck. We dug through both trucks and his classroom, but had no luck. We decided to call it quits and stay in Pinon. When I get really stressed out or upset I shut down. I needed to get out of Pinon for the evening, especially since we had to work on Saturday, but that was not going to happen.

Brent has spent most of the evening trying to make me smile and actually feel good about myself again. Most men would tell you to get over yourself, but not Brent. He recalled a phrase I said when he was really sick in January. I had told him that when you are sick the best way to feel better is to watch kid movies. He suggested we go on a Disney marathon and start with Beauty and the Beast. I loved the idea and was excited. Later in the evening Brent made a small comment that made me shut down again. Sometimes I think when I shut down he gets scared but he won't tell me because he knows that I need my space. He always stands by me and waits until he thinks the time is right before he tries to break the tension. 

After having our dinner and watching, what he later found out to be my favorite princess movie I talked to him about what I felt like I needed. While he went home to get his textbook I made a phone call to talk about a medication. During my senior year in college I was beyond stressed. My grandfather had just been diagnosed with cancer, I just started student teaching, I was a senior in college, I was preparing for my senior recital, and looking for a job. To put it simply, I was falling apart. I decided that I needed something to call my nerves and was prescribed anxiety medication. I stopped taking the medication in May when I got really sick because I wanted to clear my body of all narcotics. I made the decision tonight that with everything going on in my life I need something to calm my nerves until the wedding is over. I found my prescription, prayed, and decided that this is something that I had to do for myself. Maybe if I get back into my routine, stop trying so hard to make everyone so happy all of the time, and enjoy life then I will be able to prevent this from happening again. 

Here is my little shout out... Brent I love you with all of my heart. Although we have only been together five months and the wedding is less than two months away I know that you will be by my side through everything. I love you and all I want is to make you happy. And you are right, I need to start with taking care of myself first so I promise to you that I will do my best and all ask from you is your support and love.

OH-IO! Oh I'm Sick

Last Thursday I woke up, got ready for school, packed the truck, and went to pick up Brent. I noticed though that I wasn't feeling like my normal self. I had a bit of a sore throat and an upset stomach. At first I thought maybe it was because I was dehydrated or just nervous about traveling. I worked through the whole day and then left around 4 PM with Brent to Phoenix.

We arrived in Phoenix around 8:30 PM to find out that my midnight flight was delayed until 1:30 AM. We later found out that it was because Obama landed in San Francisco and the plane that was suppose to take me to Chicago was stuck in San Fran. Great... I made Brent leave the airport around 11 PM and go to his hotel because he was tired and had a big day ahead of him. I went through security and found a quiet restaurant to sit in and wait until my flight. The longer I sat and just waited the more I felt just plane awful. I knew I was getting sick but refused to let that get intervene with my weekend with friends and family.

The first flight was ok. The captain made it from Phoenix to Chicago in 2.5 hours. WOW! I had a 3 hour lay over where I passed out in the terminal while waiting for my next flight. The second flight was painful. There was a lot of turbulence and if you have ever traveled in the air on an upset stomach then you understand my pain. I spent the entire 45 minutes in the bathroom being deathly ill. The flight attendant knocked on the door and offered me a Sprite.

I spent the whole weekend in Ohio. I felt pretty much horrible the entire time but it was worth it in the long run. I took care of a bunch of wedding stuff with my mom. Saw my step-mom and step-sister. I hung out with maid of honor, Emma. And even made time to hang with the sorority. By Sunday morning though I knew I had to go to the doctor. I got up and drove 30 minutes to my Ohio doctor where I was told that I had an inner ear infection (great, more hearing problems), a sinus infection, and a upper respiratory infection. He gave me enough antibiotics to get through 10 days and even then he said I probably would still be fighting all of it.

I flew home on Monday morning where I met the most amazing man at the airport, Brent. We started driving home and I, once again, was out. I was so tired and pretty much felt awful that I was no help driving and was even worse company. We got back to Pinon around 8 PM that night. I knew I had to get up for work the following day so I did not stay up to late.

I woke up on Tuesday morning with every intention of going to work. But the more I pushed myself the worse I got. I finally just made the decision that I needed to stay home and sleep. I packed up some stuff and headed for Brent's house since it is much warmer than mine and closer to the school in case something happened. Well Brent was not feeling well on Tuesday morning either. He kept complaining of an upset stomach and how bad he ached. He went to work, but came home about 45 minutes later. At that point I switched into 'wife' mode and forgot how crappy I felt and took care of my sick hubby. I got him sick and felt awful for it, I still feel bad.

On Wednesday we felt the same way so I called both of us off sick again. I later found out during the day that I had no voice and Brent laughed at me. I kind of sounded like a really squeaky mouse. And if I would have gone to work I might have screamed at some people considering they kicked my students out of the classroom so they could run some stupid 'AIMS boot camp' but that is another story. I have been trying to take care of Brent all day. I stayed awake so if he woke and needed me I was right there. I covered him up when he was cold, I cleaned his house and cooked for him, and yet I still feel awful. He tried to tell me to go take a nap but I said 'when have you ever been able to tell me to do something' and he said 'a few times.'

I still feel awful and my voice is gone. Oh well, at least Brent is feeling better and that is all that matters to me.

LOVE YOU HUNNY!

Too Much 'To Do List' To Do...

Planning a wedding is stressful! Since being engaged my immune system has totally died. I am sick pretty much non stop. And although I am really good at pushing myself to get up, go to work, and take care of Brent I just cannot do it all.

I was given the challenge of planning a wedding in 6 months, which is actually pretty do able is you space things out evenly. Brent and me picked a date within a few days of being engaged, April 23, 2011. We found a really nice and affordable venue located in Dallas City, IL. I wanted Brent to pick the location before I looked for a venue. LDS marriages take place inside the temple but because I was just baptized and no one else in my family is LDS he wanted to have a civil marriage so my family could attend. The venue is called the 1850's Guest House and is only about 10 minutes north of Nauvoo. We are planning on getting married outside and having the reception inside. We chose IL because we only think that it is fair if both families have to travel. Luckily, most people have been very open and willing to this which has made the planning process easier.

We mailed out wedding invitations about one month ago, along with all of the RSVP information, rehearsal dinner invites, and out-of-town hotel accommodations. A lot of the invitations have been lost in the mail or were returned which made things a little frustrating when grandparents are calling asking if they are invited to the wedding.

We found a really nice florist in the area and made all of the flower arrangements. Joe and I planned the rehearsal dinner and made the reservation. I have met with the officiant and made a rough outline of the service, he is going to send us a typed version for revision and finalization in a few weeks. We have a caterer and supply rental company in line and waiting for finalized numbers. I have my wedding dress, vail, shoes, and all of those necessary supplies. All of the dresses for the bridesmaids have been ordered, paid for, and shipped.

I know I am missing things, but the moral of the story is that things are going well. Only a few more things to do before the big day!

The Happiest Day of My Life...

Most people consider their wedding day or the birth of their first child to be the happiest day of their life. Mine was my baptisim into the LDS church. But what made this day special was it was with my future family, I watched my future father-in-law cry, and Brent was the one who baptized me.

I was raised traditional Roman Catholic and hated every minute of it. My mother was Baptist and my father was Catholic. To appeal to the families my parents decided to raise me under the beliefs of the Catholic church. My parents separated when I was young and, in the church that my mother and I were still practicing, divorce was considered unallowable. We were shunned from the churched and labeled. This put a very poor view of religion into my mind and I believed that as long as I knew who I was inside and knew that my faith was true, then who needed a church.

After watching General Conference in October I asked Pam Fowles if I could go to church with them the next Sunday. She was so excited and quickly began planning, yikes! To my surprise, I felt comfortable and found myself wanted to come back. Pam encouraged me to meet with the missionaries and learn about the church. She reinforced that no one could make my decision for me to join the church and if I chose not to then it would not be a big deal. After meeting with the missionaries a couple of times, talking with Pam, and learning from Brent I began to fall in love with the church. I made the decision to convert to LDS and be baptized.

Brent's family was excited and nervous all at the same time. His father, Joe, had the most worries because of his devotion to his faith. He was afraid that I was converting just to be with Brent but it was still not getting through. Brent's parents thought that it would be nice for me to get baptized in Smithfield with family. I agreed to this and the planning began. This also meant that I would have my last discussion with Brent's parents. Most father's of the bride are the ones who stare down the guy and give them the 'talk', right? This was not the case. During my final discussion, Joe sat across me at the fireplace staring me down as I answered questions. Needless to say I was scared out of my mind. I wanted him to know that I was doing this for myself because I actually had found a faith that I believed in and I wanted him to realized how much I loved his son. After the discussion, Joe welcomed me to the family and we all began the processes of planning the baptism.

I was baptized on November 27, 2010 and confirmed the following Sunday in our branch in Pinon, AZ. Brent describes my baptism as the happiest day of his life as well. At one point, the missionaries sang a song during the program. I looked over at Brent and slow tears began rolling down his cheek. I leaned over wiped one away and he returned he smiled at me. He had a sort of glow about him for the rest of the trip and seemed to never stop smiling.

Losing those we hold most dear

On Christmas Eve of 2009 my grandfather was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. The extent of the cancer was unknown. In January of 2010 my family received a blow that would change us forever.

My grandfather had skin cancer for most of his life and it has been managed very well. On his most recent visit they removed spots of skin cancer but missed one on his neck. The skin cancer was absorbed into his body and traveled through his blood stream until finally settling in the upper right corner of his right lung. The only treatments available where kemo. My grandfather agreed to kemo with the understanding that it was not a cure and would only extend his chances to live up to one year.

The battle was hard on everyone emotionally but his battle physically reminded us what was important. In order to keep pushing himself through the kemo, blood transfusions, and lack of ability to complete tasks he would set goals for himself. His first goal was May 26, 2010, his granddaughter's senior recital. In wheel chair, he rolled up to a seat and made himself comfortable. His face shown brighter than anything other audience, but his pain internally was growing by the minute. He left without saying goodbye because he could no longer sit in the same spot. His second goal was June 13, 2010, his granddaughter's college graduation. Unlike my parents, I was determined to graduate from college. My grandfather was determined as well and paid for the majority of my college expenses. He sat and cried as I walked across the stage to pick up my diploma.

In May of 2010 I told my grandfather that I got a job in Arizona. At first he was nervous, but then was beyond excitement. He found an atlas, located Pinon on the map, and carried the map around for weeks showing every visitor that entered the house where I was going to be moving to. It was around this time that the family began to collapse. His youngest daughter, Nicole, began showing signs of aggression and jealousy toward me. We went out for a shopping trip and she decided to tell me that I should be grateful that he was doing all of this for me and that he loved me this much. My aunt and father were dumped out  their house by grandfather on their 18 birthdays. They never received any kind of financial help or guidance, they were just told to survive. I was the first and last granddaughter in my grandpa's life. I am his baby and he would help me through everything.

The last time I would ever see my grandfather would be on July 4, 2010. I came over to kiss him and tell him goodbye, I was pulling out of Ohio the next day and I had no idea if I would ever see him again. I called him once a week and wrote him letters that my grandmother would read to him. I would tell him about Pinon and the students, I told him about Brent and we celebrated our engagement with him. Grandpa defended my engagement to Brent against the entire Miller family. I was happy that I had found someone to spend my life with and that he had lived long enough to celebrate that moment with me.

I wrote my last letter in November and recorded myself reading the letter to my grandfather. The last two paragraphs were, in a sense, my final goodbye...

"I miss you with all of my heart Grandpa and I am sorry that I cannot be there by your side through everything. I might not be there in person, but I am in there in spirit. Brent asks about you all of the time, asking about the kind of person you are and the influence you must have had on me to become the person I am. You have always been a person for me to call when I just needed someone to listen. I love you with all of my heart.

One day I hoped you would be able to walk me down the aisle in your military uniform. I have chosen to have no one give me away because the only person who I feel like has deserved that honor is you. Even though you will not be there in person I know you will be by my side as I walk to my future. You will be with me through every step down the aisle holding my hand telling me that everything will be ok."

At 2 AM the next morning my phone rang, it was Nicole. Grandpa had passed away in his sleep. I was on a STUCO trip in Phoenix, basically by myself with no one to hold me. I called Pam and she helped calm me down. I called Brent and he grunted at me, never wake up a man before 6 AM. I came home later that afternoon and began packing to return home for the funeral. I cried for one day and occasionally shed a tear if something touched my heart but I saw no reason to mourn. He had been deathly ill battling a disease that would never be cured. He was in a better place and I was happy for him. 

Brent traveled with me to Ohio where he met my family. The circumstances were at least a neutral ground because no one was in any condition to address me about the engagement was was more worried about their own well being then anyone else in the family. I had already planned to skip out on a lot of the events. My grandfather only wanted one thing from me, and that was to play the flute at his funeral. Brent and I attended one out of two viewings and the funeral mass. I made the decision not to attend the service in Dayton, 3 hours south, due to traveling and personal reasons. My family viewed this as the most disrespectful thing in the world and shunned me. My grandmother will speak to me but continuously reminds me that I am a disappointment. 

I love my grandfather I and I know that he is by my side all of the time. I know that when I walk down the aisle to Brent he will be holding my hand telling me everything will be alright. My family does not understand the relationship that my grandfather and I had and they never will. 

Pacts, Pinon, and a Proposal

In May of 2010 I received my first job offer to teach on the Navajo Indian Reservation in a small rural community called Pinon. Little did I know that this was about to become one of the biggest adventures I had ever taken. I packed up and moved 1700 miles in July of 2010 with the intention of never looking back.

Have you ever been in a car by yourself for fours days with only the radio and the occasional phone call from the Penske driver behind you to tell you she needs to pull over? You do a lot of thinking about what you want out of life. During the drive I made a pact with myself that I needed to spend at least five years in Pinon to establish myself as a teacher, figure out what I was going to do with my career, and to take some time for myself. I was ok with having no friends and no intimate relationships. I was willing to accept a life of solitude in order to find some peace and quiet from a past that seemed to follow me no matter where I went. Some members of my family are very over bearing and refuse to let me grow up. They feel the need to control my every step and only give me enough of a leash to breathe, let alone make mistakes and actually learn how to function within society.

I settled in Pinon in July of 2010. My mom stayed with me for two weeks helping me unpack and arrange my house. We explored Flagstaff together and a little bit of Phoenix before she got on a plane and returned to Ohio. During the last week of July all of the teachers were required to attend professional development to begin preparing for the first week of classes. All of the new teachers had to stand up and introduce themselves. After we introduced ourselves and the meeting was over a fellow new teacher at the high school came and introduced himself, his name was Brent Maynard. During the same week I met my other half in life, Pam Fowles. She is a wife of a history teacher in the high school and we swear that we were separated at birth.

I live at the end of a loop and my house faces a line of mountains and the valley. The first night I was in my house I looked out back and saw the sun setting with the clouds. It was so beautiful. 

Once monsoon season finally passed and the clouds were gone this became my normal sunset. 

I made another friend who lived close by my house named Jackie. We took a day and traveled to Canyon De Chelly in Chinle, about one hour east of Pinon. In the bottom of the canyon are tons of ruins, it was incredible! Hiking back up was painful though, especially since we had to stop for the mountain crossing. That is something you don't see everyday. 

I took this picture at my first Pinon football game. The team sucks, but watching the sunset behind the football games was like having our own 'Friday Night Lights'

As time progressed Brent became one of my closest friends. We both adopted two little puppies from the same litter and spent a lot of time having puppy play dates. We began taking longer walks and even longer evenings at the Fowles house. Everyone around us thought we were already dating, but were just friends. On one evening walk we talked about what we look for when looking for a relationship. It was at this moment that I reminded myself of my pact with myself to not date anyone and to back off. Brent had someone he still had feelings for in Utah and I did not want to interfere. Whether he knows it or not but for the next couple of days I purposely avoided him so I could put myself back into the mind set I had set out for myself. But I felt like a part of me was missing and I slowly began hanging back out at the Fowles to see him and hold brief conversations.

In October I was invited to watch General Conference with Brent and the Fowles. I wanted to snuggle up to him so bad but resisted. Jokingly I laid my head on his shoulder because I was tired and he wrapped his arm around me. I fell asleep cuddled up to him and it felt right. Several weeks later we went out for dinner in Chinle and back to my house to watch a movie. We both fell asleep wrapped up in each others arms while watching the movie. Our faces were close together and we both admitted later that we wanted to kiss the other one that night but was not sure. He still had feelings for someone else and I was just confused. Needless to say we kissed that night. I had never kissed someone until that night and Brent made my heart stop.

I took this picture after one of our first puppy play dates. Brent bought these squeaky stuffed animal things and had both puppies playing at the same time. 

After the first week of being together I traveled home to see my mother and family. I missed him more than life itself at that point. When I landed in Phoenix, I sped home to see him. I showed up at his house to find him laying on the futon with an empty box of pop tarts. He looked like he had not showered in a month and was starving. He kissed me and at that moment I knew I never wanted to be without him again. The following weekend was Halloween. We are both big kids and decided to dress up, I was the fair maiden, he was my night in shining tin foil, and we drove the white stallion. That night he asked me to spend forever with him, and I said yes.

In October I saw my niece and nephews. When Brent went home to meet my family these kids ATTACKED him! Coral is the most blunt three year old I have ever met. I asked her what she thought of Brent and she said 'well, I don't know how to put this but he's not very cute, he's not my type.'