A Questionable Vacation

For the past several months the only thing I could think about is going home to Ohio for Thanksgiving. This trip is what helped me get through the past several months of frustration at work, but now I do not know how I feel.

It is not that the trip has been bad but more disappointing in a way. We arrived several hours later then planned because we arrived late to the shelter to drop off the dogs. After finally making all of the arrangements to drop them off in the morning Brent and I had to purchase new plane tickets. The total cost of plane tickets for this trip - $2,000. We landed at Port Columbus around 9:30 PM, 5 hours later then originally planned. We got to the hotel where mom met us and helped us get checked in a settled.

On Sunday morning Brent, mom, and I went to church in Delaware. It was a nice change compared to Pinon and Utah, kind of an in between the two. The speakers were wonderful and very uplifting. Brent and my mom headed out for a day on the town where the two of them went to the movies, did a little shopping, and just spent some time together. I went and picked up Emma where we headed to Tau Delta for activation. This is my last time going up to Otterbein and to the TD house. Unlike some people in my life, I am really good about separating ties when I feel no need to have certain people or things in my life. With the rest of my pledge class graduating at the end of the year I see no need to return anymore.

Monday was very hectic. Brent, Emma, and I went to campus where we met up with some old friends and teachers. Afterward we headed down to Stantons sheet music to make a list of music. I was slightly overwhelmed and ended up not getting anything accomplished I needed to. Brent purchased a beautiful snow globe for me of a music note and a flute, I love it. It also plays the theme from Mozart's 'The Magic Flute.' We then went to lunch and took Emma home. Monday night was also my baby shower. We headed over to Grandma Miller's house to pick her up and chill until we had to head down. The first words out of my grandmother's mouth were 'You don't look pregnant, just fat.' Thanks grandma. We then headed down to the baby shower in Mt. Sterling. I dropped Brent with dad and Nick for the night. The party was really fun. Xander officially has more clothes than I ever will in my life. At the party everyone started asking how many kids Brent and I want to have. Realistically, we have talked about four and then waiting to see what happens. Grandma laughed. Later in the car that evening I asked grandma about her comment. She said I was too type A to have children. She believes that my stress and anxiety are too high to be a good mother and that I should reconsider having kids. For the first time through this whole pregnancy I actually believed her. Of course I'm nervous, of course I'm scared, but I actually do not know if I can be a mom. Maybe my stress and anxiety are too high. Maybe I don't know what I'm doing. But lets just say that my depression is back.

Tuesday was the fun day. Brent and I slept in for awhile. We then went to lunch with grandma downtown in German Village. Brent has never had REAL German food. He really enjoyed it. That evening we went bowling with the entire family. After bowling Brent and I went dancing downtown at the Hillel, the Jewish Community Center at OSU. Brent was so brave and danced every single dance. I spent most of the time talking to Neev, a life long friend since middle school. He and I are really close and I am grateful to have a friend like him in my life.

Before we knew it was Wednesday. Brent and I slept in and went to look at some of the sites around town. We went to Delaware and looked at several of the historical markers, after wards we headed to Columbus to see the temple, then to Dublin to see the frog and the field of corn. We then met up with Mom and work to see some of her close friends. Brent and I then headed down to Once Upon A Child were spent more money on Xander, but I bought my stroller for $40. Brent bought me beautiful flowers which made me cry. We then turned in the car and were at the beckon call of ever other driver in town. We met up with Grandma and Grandpa at Bob Evans for a small snack and then headed up to the hotel. The entire family met up for dinner last night where Brent and I treated. It was a nice time, and honestly, it put some things in perspective.

Today is Thanksgiving Day. One year ago I lost my grandfather to cancer, I met my future family, and was baptized into the LDS Church by my soon to be husband. So much has changed, except for my feelings about my family. I love my family and always will but with everyone back together again I still feel like an outcast. I am the crazy child who moved away to Arizona, who met a man and fell in love, got married, and got pregnant, I'm the crazy one who converted religions, and I still feel looked down upon. My family still picks on me and I have realized that I either take it and then feel horrible about myself or I pick back because I do not want to listen to it anymore. There is no making anyone happy in this family, I have honestly given up. I realized I moved away from Ohio because I hated feeling like this. I love and miss my Grandma and Grandpa Segers, my mom more than words can describe, and my dad some days of the month, but for the most part I have no desire to visit Ohio anymore. Maybe I can convince Brent to spend next Christmas in Florida or Hawaii with mom.

I think part of the other reason I feel this way is because we have spent so much time with Brent's family over the holidays that I do not know how I feel around my own family anymore. I have spent every major holiday with his family during the past several year. Brent has not really changed on this trip, but is not my energetic husband. I have spent more time this trip making sure he is ok then having fun. I just want to make sure that he is happy and I do not know how he is, I feel like my husband has stopped talking to me, and it just makes me feel like I am losing him again. I know Brent loves me but sometimes I just want him to talk to me instead of just shutting down, it makes me scared and unsettled.

One Year Later

MILLER George W. Miller III, MSgt USAF, Retired, Columbus, OH, passed away on Thursday, November 18, 2010 from cancer. Born July 22, 1942, in Jacksonville, FL. He is survived by his wife of 46 years, Louann Hoyt Miller; son, George W. (Donna) Miller IV, Mt. Sterling, OH; daughter, Nicole (Timothy) Montoney, Columbus; and the joys of his life, grandchildren, Pamela Miller of Pinon, AZ and Malcolm Montoney of Columbus. Also surviving are sisters, Barbara (Tony) Kurtz, Lake City, FL, Nancy (Burton) Pierce and Martha (Rob) Trice of Jacksonville, FL, and Bonnie (Tony) Graupp of Hendersonville, NC; in-laws, Dennis (Carol) Hoyt and Joanne Hoyt, Columbus Grove, Richard (Marie) Hoyt and Shirley (Alvin) Duling, Ottawa, OH, John (Virginia) Hoyt, Renick, WV, Geraldine Lauer, Van Buren, OH, Charles (Laura) Hoyt, Ruskin, FL, Janet (Bob) Westerman, IN, and Patricia (Dennis) Pollock, Middle Point, OH; many nieces and nephews; Pamela's mother, Jane Miller of Dublin OH; and exchange students, Gunda Werner-Burggraf of Germany and Alex Guzman of Japan. Predeceased by parents George and Martha Miller, in-laws Charles and Dorothea Hoyt, and several family members including goddaughter Stephanie Pollock. George was active with church and community organizations. He was particularly proud of his service with the HOPE Council in San Vito dei Normanni, Italy. His most notable hobby was collecting Elvis albums. He entered the AF in 1960 as a non-Morse intercept operator in AF Security Services. He met his sweetheart at a dance at Lockbourne AFB OH in 1963 and subjected her to 13 moves that included 9 years in San Vito, Italy (as he always said, "someone had to drink the wine and eat the cheese"), before retiring from Strategic Air Command as a Manpower Management Superintendent in 1981, having served 21 years, 3 months, 14 days, 8 hours and 45 minutes (and enjoying every minute). During his AF career, he received numerous commendations including the AF Good Conduct Medal, National Defense Service Medal, AF Commendation Medal with 3 Oak Leaf Clusters, and Joint Service Commendation Medal for his work as an intelligence collection manager with the NSA. He began his second career in 1981 when he joined Butler Animal Health Supply, Dublin OH, and retired in 2009 as Manager of Regulatory Affairs. Again, he was rewarded with many managerial awards during his tenure. George was nationally recognized in the veterinary industry as the expert on controlled substance and food and drug regulations and presented more than 300 seminars nationwide

Almost Home

In two short days I will be home in Ohio for the first time since February. So much has changed since then and I cannot wait to spend that time with my friends and family.

Brent and me have a full schedule in Ohio. We arrive on Saturday afternoon and are planning on spending the evening relaxing with family. I might make a quick stop up at the sorority house to see how "Hell Night" is going. On Sunday we are going to church and then breakfast with my mom. The remainder of Saturday will be spent with the sorority for activation and dinner. On Monday Brent, Emma, and I are going to meet up at Otterbein to see some people and hang-out for a little while. Afterward we are going to head downtown to go to Stantons Sheet Music to buy a bunch of stuff (on our district of course). That evening Brent is going to chill with my mom at home while I go to a baby shower by my step-mom. Tuesday we are going to my favorite restaurant in the city, Schmidt's, with Grandma Miller. That evening we are going to the zoo lights with the rest of the family. Wednesday is a relaxing day. My other grandparents will be arriving into town that night for Thanksgiving. Thursday, TURKEY TURKEY, will be spent with my mom and family. I am so excited for Brent to meet my cousin Rayne. I haven't seen Rayne in a few years so this will be a family reunion to remember. Friday we are spending with my dad's family. And then on Saturday we are coming back to Arizona. What a week!

I wish I Could Smile Without Crying

The past few months have been mentally, emotionally, and physically draining.

My hormones have begun to take a personal effect on my life and I feel like they are driving Brent away from me. Some days I feel like I have to get up telling myself that no matter what he will love me and that nothing I will do will make him leave. But I think that is what I am afraid of, I am afraid of Brent leaving. Growing up my parents fought a lot and after every fight my father would just leave, no talking, no resolution, nothing, and know that know that I am married this is what I am afraid of. Brent and me always talk things through and I believe that this is what makes our marriage strong, but it will never get rid of that psychological fear. I know that I take a lot of things out on Brent that aren't even his fault because I feel comfortable just venting, but I know that it frustrates him and it makes things worse.

Lately I have been feeling like a horrible wife. Yeah I cook, clean, do laundry, and I am carrying his child, but I feel like he does all of these wonderful things for me and I just turn around and give him a good swift kick before even realizing what I have said to him. We just celebrated our one year anniversary and tomorrow is our one year engagement aniversary. He tells me all of the reasons why he loves me and why he asked me to marry him, but sometimes I want to ask him if he ever regrets it. Sometimes I feel like Brent deserves more, more than what I can give him. Brent has made my life so wonderful and it breaks my heart to think like that, but I feel like I am living in the footsteps of my parents and I feel like I can never make him or anyone happy without screwing up.

I feel like I have all of this anger built up inside of me and nothing I do can get it to go away. I just want to actually be and feel happy all the time for a change. I am hoping that getting away on my graduate conference for a week will help because I will be away from Pinon. I need a break. I am going to miss Brent terribly though because I want him by my side. I want to take a vacation with just my husband, no family and no pets, just the two of us somewhere peaceful. I miss just the two of us spending quality time together because we wanted to, not because I am forcing him to.

I guess another thing is I am very proud of my husband and I do not show it enough. He made the decision to take on the M.S. and H.S. wrestling coaching position and I am very proud of him for taking that initiative. He has also made a great deal of accommodations with the athletic director and assistant coach in order to leave at any moment to be with me and the baby. But I keep harassing him about the job and I just need to support my husband. He is always there for me holding my hand and telling me how proud of me he is, so why can't I do that for him? In addition, he has been working so hard with his classes this year to make sure that he does not end up in the same position as he was last year and I do not know if I have told him that he is doing a great job. All I ever do is make him feel worse about staying at school and working late when instead I should be supporting him for his hard work.

Marriage is really a second job. You have to learn how to communicate, collaborate, work together through difficult situations, and have a loving relationship even when you want to kill the other person at times. Brent is my soul mate and I want to be sealed to him for eternity. I need to find a way to be happy again and show him that I support him, even if it means going to every single wrestling match in the dead of winter, helping him grade papers, or cooking dinner for him at 10 PM at night when he comes home from work.

I love you Brent and I hope you know that, and all I can keep saying is that I am sorry for causing you so much pain.

All Things Stress Related - Pinon

There is officially one week left of the school year. The seniors are gone and all that is left are the freshman through juniors. The students are so ready to be done with school. Most of their friends have already gotten out of school or have graduated. The teachers are ready to be done. This last quarter has managed to kick us all in the behinds. With two teachers on permanent medical leave, the entire English department leaving, and the rest of us not giving a crap the schools setting is gone completing.

In addition to the school pretty much being a crazy mess, we had to cancel our last concert. I was frustrated by it and the students were upset but now I am just angry. The principal walked up to me today and told me that I had no right to make a call about my personal program and said I should have consulted with him first. I bit my tongue and only responded with whatever. They claim to support me and the department but all they do is belittle me. Unless things change with Slade as the new principal I have already made the decision that I will not be returning for a third year.

Being married to Brent is the happiest thing in my life. He treats me like his princess and I know that he will be there to take care of me and put up with my craziness for the rest of my life. I love the man dearly and I am excited that today is our one month anniversary.

The Life of a Married Woman

On Wednesday April 20th, Brent and I arrived in Springfield, IL. After landing at the smallest airport I have ever seen, Brent and I drove about 2 1/2 hours to the small town of Dallas City, IL. As we drove up to the plantation house I felt butterflies fill my stomach, I had finally arrived and I knew the next several days would be the most exciting of my life.

One by one, our families and friends arrived over the next several days. Brent stayed with his family in Nauvoo and I stayed with my family and friends at the venue. My bridesmaids took me out for an incredible party at the local casino. They helped my mom decorate and prepare for the wedding.

On Saturday I woke up really early to start getting ready and hang out with my bridesmaids. The housekeeper, Patty, made my favorite breakfast for my wedding day. As my family and I sat down, I knew that this would be the last time I would be eating a meal as a single woman.

As the morning progressed, there was one moment where my heart began beating and my stomach filled with butterflies. I looked outside and watched Brent slowly walk up to the house. As I looked out of the window on the second floor I lost my breathe and laid my eyes upon the man that has filled the past 6 months of my life with joy.

The time came for me to marry. We chose to have me walk down the stairs for effect. One by one the bridesmaids processed down the aisle. It was my turn next. As I walked down the stairs I could not see Brent, that was the point. I took my fathers arm and walked down the aisle. At the end of the aisle stood the most handsome man I had ever seen. His eyes were filled with tears and he had a smile on his face that lit up the room. My bridesmaids later admitted to me that they all looked at Brent and started crying. They had never seen a man so over whelmed with love and joy in his eyes.

During the reception, we ate a wonderful picnic, hung out with friends and family, and listened to two incredible toasts. Sean, Brent's brother, gave a great toast about their relationship and he wished us luck in our lives together. Emma, my maid of honor, gave an incredible toast. Emma had always been one of my closest sisters, but I never realized how close until she toasted. Emma doesn't cry, but she lost it after the toast. Emma is my blood sister, she is the sister that I have always wanted and know I have.

April 23rd was the best day of my life, and this time next year, I will be sealed in the temple for eternity to my husband.

The Forecast for April 2011

As I have been preparing my calendar for the month of April I feel like I can compare all of the events going on to some kind of forecast. Lets see if this makes sense...

"Well, the month of April is going to be quiet the combination. We will see sun, rain, severe winds, and even some cloudy skies. Lets take a look at the predictions..."

Cloudy Skies: For the past several months my students have been preparing for their second concert entitled 'Around The World.' For the most part I feel that they are ready, but the wanting/needing spring break cloud is looming over their heads. They have been tested to death over the past several months and they are beginning to become difficult to handle. They have six actual rehearsal days remaining before the concert. If they focus and actually make the effort I know that they will be able to push aside their cloudy moods and perform a great concert. But if they keep their attitudes, it is going to be a mediocre concert which no one will be proud of. 

Severe Winds: Until April 20th there is so much going on and so much to be done. Between three days of in school testing this week, 6 actual rehearsal days left until the concert, 15 days left to pack for the wedding/honeymoon, 16 days lefts before Brent and I leaver for the wedding, 20 days until the wedding, 21 days until the honeymoon, church responsibilities, financial obligations, and everything else going I feel like there are severe winds whipping my life around. I am trying my best to keep my feet planted and focus on one day at a time, but it is getting to be A LOT! Lately, I have stressed to Brent that he really needs to step up and help me around the house more. He has been and today the winds died down when he helped make breakfast, dinner, helped with the dishes, and helped complete some other small tasks. Working together to get things done will take some time and I know that with patience that the winds will die down and I can stop sweating the small things. 

Sun: I am getting married in 20 days, almost 19. I am beyond excited. One year ago I never would have imagined myself preparing to get married. Brent has been such an inspiration for me and has really been encouraging for me to reach out and grab life by the horns. Today we talked about me becoming Dr. Maynard. I want to have my doctoral completed by the age of 30. Brent thinks that this is something I should do and is really pushing for me to take the next step. But right now the only step on my mind is becoming Mrs. Pamela Maynard. 

Rain: This is not so much rain, but it does deal with water. Just like my students I am beyond ready for spring break. I will be getting married and then spending one wonderful week with my hubby on the beaches of Cancun, Mexico. I am so excited to go snorkeling, visit the ruins, and lay out on the beach. Not only am I using this to celebrate our wedding, but as kind of a reward for a job well done as my first year as a teacher. I have a job for the next school year and a position on the district committee. I am grateful to have a job during this time and thank god for bestowing this blessing upon my life. 

Well, that is my April weather forecast. More weather to come. Stay tuned!