The past few months have been mentally, emotionally, and physically draining.
My hormones have begun to take a personal effect on my life and I feel like they are driving Brent away from me. Some days I feel like I have to get up telling myself that no matter what he will love me and that nothing I will do will make him leave. But I think that is what I am afraid of, I am afraid of Brent leaving. Growing up my parents fought a lot and after every fight my father would just leave, no talking, no resolution, nothing, and know that know that I am married this is what I am afraid of. Brent and me always talk things through and I believe that this is what makes our marriage strong, but it will never get rid of that psychological fear. I know that I take a lot of things out on Brent that aren't even his fault because I feel comfortable just venting, but I know that it frustrates him and it makes things worse.
Lately I have been feeling like a horrible wife. Yeah I cook, clean, do laundry, and I am carrying his child, but I feel like he does all of these wonderful things for me and I just turn around and give him a good swift kick before even realizing what I have said to him. We just celebrated our one year anniversary and tomorrow is our one year engagement aniversary. He tells me all of the reasons why he loves me and why he asked me to marry him, but sometimes I want to ask him if he ever regrets it. Sometimes I feel like Brent deserves more, more than what I can give him. Brent has made my life so wonderful and it breaks my heart to think like that, but I feel like I am living in the footsteps of my parents and I feel like I can never make him or anyone happy without screwing up.
I feel like I have all of this anger built up inside of me and nothing I do can get it to go away. I just want to actually be and feel happy all the time for a change. I am hoping that getting away on my graduate conference for a week will help because I will be away from Pinon. I need a break. I am going to miss Brent terribly though because I want him by my side. I want to take a vacation with just my husband, no family and no pets, just the two of us somewhere peaceful. I miss just the two of us spending quality time together because we wanted to, not because I am forcing him to.
I guess another thing is I am very proud of my husband and I do not show it enough. He made the decision to take on the M.S. and H.S. wrestling coaching position and I am very proud of him for taking that initiative. He has also made a great deal of accommodations with the athletic director and assistant coach in order to leave at any moment to be with me and the baby. But I keep harassing him about the job and I just need to support my husband. He is always there for me holding my hand and telling me how proud of me he is, so why can't I do that for him? In addition, he has been working so hard with his classes this year to make sure that he does not end up in the same position as he was last year and I do not know if I have told him that he is doing a great job. All I ever do is make him feel worse about staying at school and working late when instead I should be supporting him for his hard work.
Marriage is really a second job. You have to learn how to communicate, collaborate, work together through difficult situations, and have a loving relationship even when you want to kill the other person at times. Brent is my soul mate and I want to be sealed to him for eternity. I need to find a way to be happy again and show him that I support him, even if it means going to every single wrestling match in the dead of winter, helping him grade papers, or cooking dinner for him at 10 PM at night when he comes home from work.
I love you Brent and I hope you know that, and all I can keep saying is that I am sorry for causing you so much pain.
